I'm stunned...I'm angry...I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown

I found it to be a valid post, like it was said, this is a touchy topic and people are going to have trouble with it. Don't stress too much.

All I can offer is (((((Hugs)))))) and that I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

It's ok, I know you didn't, I am too close to the issue and have come to see tonight that I still have a ton of residual guilt.. I feel like a coward :-(

On that note, I am backing out, this was a support thread, not one about my issues.. I feel like I am the one derailing it...

No, don't do that.

Always speak your mind and heart. I was wrong. Not necessarily for what I said, but it was 100% the WRONG thread.

XXOO

Omg. I'm so sorry Mia. You have been through so much hardship, and have stayed so strong. The fact that you're still kind and heartfelt is a testament to what makes a really, truly GOOD person. Unlike that monster that hurt you.

The fact that it was your first time is just unfathomable. The first time for anyone is emotional and painful, but to have your virginity stolen from you must have been absolutely crushing to your spirit. I hope you seek counselling too, not because you need it, you're obviously a strong & amazing woman. But because you deserve to be at peace, and feel comfortable and safe with intimacy. I was physically abused by my Stepdad as a child, and even though the abuse was not sexual, I was afraid of getting close to men for most of my life. Abuse cuts you deep inside and the more you bury it, the more it consumes you. You have to let go of it to heal, and talking about it with a professional and with other people who have been through the same thing is so freeing and awesome. It takes time for me to trust guys and feel comfortable being vulnerable with them... but I trust my boyfriend now, and I'm able to love him, something that would not have been possible a few years ago. Sex is a great thing when there is trust and love and you're truly comfortable with that person... you deserve that!

How awful, creepy, and just terrifying that a man who is capable of such abuse has been given so much power. I know there are caring, amazing police officers in the world. But then there are also plenty of assholes who are hungry for power & use it as an excuse to take out their rage. I WISH there was better screening before some one is given a badge... my only hope is that this moron slips up and is put in jail, where he will truly be made a bitch!

Mia, I just want to echo what others are saying about counseling. You might have to meet a few counselors before finding someone with the right approach for you. Be upfront and frank with them, a good therapist will help you find someone who is a good fit if they aren't right for you.

My life was totally transformed thanks to the support and advice of several wonderful counselors. They helped me learn how to stop and deconstruct faulty thinking (like that the assault was my fault), so that I can see the truth of it. I can think about it without freaking out anymore. I can see and hear things that remind me of it, and it's just like, "Oh. Oh yeah, that bad thing happened a long time ago. It's over now." Then I go about my day. It's not perfect, that stuff still makes me sad, but those traumatic experiences and that horrible person who did that stuff to me don't have the power over my life to hurt me every single day like they used to. I feel like I got myself back, and it feels great. I hope that you can get that too, because after so long it really does feel awesome to live without the constant fears, and constantly worrying when it will pop back up in your face.

I am so sorry to hear you have had to deal with this for such a long time. I too was sexually abused. I was molested at 7 years old by my older brother, and raped by him at the age of 16. I didn't say anything when I was 7 because I didn't think I would be believed and back then no one talked about those sort of things. I did tell my mother that I was raped two weeks after it happened, only because I thought I was pregnant. Thankfully she believed me and her and my dad had him prosecuted for it. Unfortunately this all happened before they made laws where sex offenders have to register. He took the plea bargain (deferred adjudication) in court so I never had to face him. But since it was deferred adjudication, it doesn't show up on his record that he did anything. My mother didn't have anything to do with my brother for an entire year, but then she decided to forgive him and allowed him to travel to where we were living to visit. It was like being abused all over again. Since I was still a minor and living at home, I couldn't do a thing about it. Once I became an adult, I was able to make the choice of not being around when he came to our city to visit my parents. My mom tried for several years to get me to forget all about what happened and just come over and be a family. I grew to hate her for asking me to do that. I now no longer speak or see my parents because of this. What I did do is seek counseling and it was in counseling that I was told that just because they are my parents doesn't mean they have to be involved in my life since they are so toxic, but it was my choice to make. That is why I no longer speak to or see them. Now that I have been in counseling for the trauma for the rape (my parents never got me counseling), and the trauma of my parents letting him back in the house and trying to talk me into being around him, I am now a lot better off emotionally. I am stronger than I have ever been and I have learned to speak up for myself and not take crap from people as much as I used to. If you find a great counselor, you can learn to let go of the pain and grow to be a stronger person. If I can do it, so can you. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care of yourself.

I am not mad.

A part of me really wanted to press charges. Another part of me wanted to crawl in a hole and die. And yet another part just wanted to pretend it never happened.

In my situation, I was at a party that we athletes held all the time. After all, we were all pretty much friends with one another. I thought this guy was cute, and we had talked a bit a few times here and there. Oddly enough, one of my teammates, whom I despised, was the one person who told me not to get involved with him as he was, in her words, "no good".

We had all been drinking at this party. No, I was not 21. You can call that Strike 1 against me in a trial. The thing is, I had not had anything before he offered to get me a drink. I never once got that warning feeling. I usually never accepted drinks from anyone, but I trusted where I was at and I trusted the situation and I stupidly trusted him. I remember beginning to feel real tipsy real quick. I won't go into the detail from there, but I remember being awake during a part of it, and next thing I know, I was waking up feeling like I had been hit by a mack truck.

Swabby, I had always said I would be strong and do the "right thing" in such a situation. Never in a million years did I imagine to be in that position. I have been called as a character witness before, and that single experience is how I knew I couldn't do it. In my friend's case, she was 11 and was abused by the youth pastor at her church. She wasn't alone, but her trial was a stand-alone trial. Even though she was just 11 at the time, the defense painted her out to be some kind of hussy that was asking for it. 11. A child. And she was responsible?

I wish I could've done something. Trust me. I have to live with this. But even if I had a do-over, I cannot honestly say that I would go ahead and press charges. My life would have been ruined even more. I would've been painted as some drunken ***** who liked to spend all her time partying (which was the opposite of who I really was). And the worst part for me is that my parents would've known. I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want them disappointed in me (drinking, whatever). I didn't want them to know this happened to me.

Paige, I completely understand the sex part. I don't like it, and I have a hard time really believing that guys are in it for anyone but themselves. I completely understand the sudden bouts of crying. Heck, I still HAVE to shower immediately after. I pretty much lost it, but as it was, I met my now-husband a few weeks after the incident, and I pretty much went crazy. Even though we've stayed together, and been married for almost 8 years, I think that has only served to warp my situation that much more.

This has been an emotionally hard day for me, and it's even more uncomfortable knowing I made this thread. I'm just tired of having to be "alone" through this.

I want to thank everyone for the words of advice, words of wisdom, and words of caring. I especially thank those who chose to share their story. I love this forum, not because of the advice found in the dog sections, but because of the people found in this section.

Miakoda, I just want to send you hugs and let you know that we care. This is what friends are for to help in times of need; even if we are only on the internet.

(((hugs))) to Mia and anyone else that has had to struggle with the ordeal of rape.

My first boyfriend forced himself on me when I was 14 - the effects of it seem never ending; I've been lucky enough to have had the support of family, friends, trauma counselors, and therapists throughout the years after and I don't think I would have been able to get on with life as I have without it.

The sweetest revenge I can say for sure though is just being happy, living life as unhindered as possible, and moving ahead with stuff in general. Not at all easy - I'm not saying it is. But it's what I really believe.

There is such a thing as retribution in this world I strongly believe - and it'll bite him in the ass soon enough - no worries of that.

((((hugs)))) Mia. And everyone who's had to deal with abuse, sexual or otherwise.

Mia, I am SO sorry this had to happen to you! I'm not sure exactly what to say because I've never been in a situation like this so I can't relate.

But I just want to let you know that all of us care and we are here for you. Even though it's on the internet.

(((((HUGS)))) and more (((((HUGS)))) to Mia and for the others that have to deal with these AWFUL things!

I am SO sorry

When I was in high school a classmate pushed me into the bathroom and tried to kiss me, and I kneed him in the balls. I STILL think about how violated I felt... I couldn't imagine having to carry the weight of being raped.

I HATE rape... only the most disgusting, pathetic people will take advantage of someone like that. A family member of mine was raped and is actually in a relationship with her rapist. I will never have anything to do with him, because it absolutely disgusts me to know what he did (in full detail, too).

((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))

I'm sorry, Mia. I hate that he did that to you. I hate that you were bullied into not prosecuting and I especially hate that he is still there violating you and your husband when you try to have any kind of intimacy. I'm just sorry.

((hugs)) Miakoda. I was never sexually abused, although I was sexually harassed in 7th grade. It was a big classroom, and I sat in the back, and so did this boy, and he exposed himself to me in class. Well, sortof, I didn't actually see "it" I saw flesh, but yeah. I mentioned it to my school guidance counselor during one of our sessions and I believe he got in trouble.

I echo the others that you should seek out some counseling. I wish I could for certain personal issues, but I can't afford it. I did go back when I was in college for a semester because I was able to use the college's services for free, and it helped.

You know, I was wondering how I would feel if I had the opportunity to confront him. It's hard because he is a part of a large group of hubby's friends/old teammates, so I know I could see him if I wanted to. I'm just afraid I'll start screaming my head off, and probably end up using him as a punching bag.

However, a part of me would like to know why. I know for a fact that he was dabbling in drugs during that time, but I don't know if he was on them that night. Still, absolutely NO excuse. I just want to know the reasoning.

I was such a naive and trusting person. I was everybody's friend (well, if I liked you. if not, you lived your life and I lived mine all without pretending to be nice when neither really feels like it.). You know, if anything, that's where I feel most violated at. I think it has much less to do with the physical act than it does with the mental/emotional part of it.

Now.....I'm jaded. I guess that's the word I'd use. I'm slow to warm up. I'm even slower to trust. And I prefer to build walls around with a few windows with which to peek out. Before I was the happy, laughing, optimistic girl-next-door. I miss that girl.

ETA: You know, after reading this post, I think that last paragraph describes why I was drawn so much into the world of American Pit Bull Terriers. I love what I see in these dogs. They are so happy. Maybe a little dim, but happy. lol They can take a beating, and waste no time picking themselves up and getting back to the fun and enjoyment of life. I just love watching these dogs and allowing myself to revel in their simple joy of the world around them.

I'm so late to this thread Mia. I just can't express how very sorry you've been hurt by this criminal piece of _____! Maybe it would do you good to confront him...right in front of all his friends, loud and clear. "Why did you rape me back in 1999? To think you don't care one iota the pain you have caused me, you despicable jerk!" Wouldn't that just make you feel better?

I don't blame you for not going through all that legal crap that they put victims through. But I wish the creep would have been put in jail. I wonder how many others he's hurt. Yeah, drugs could have been the trigger, but you gotta wonder if someone who does that on account of drugs isn't just letting something out that he would otherwise control. I mean, it's in him to be a controlling, hateful sob no matter what triggered his behavior. I hope he has some kind of conscience because if he does, he has had to and will have to live with himself with that guilt inside him forever.

I think it's amazing what dogs can teach us when we think about it and how they are, like you were describing Pitbulls. To adapt and pick themselves back up is a talent we have a hard time with.

I second what everyone is saying...that you really should see a councilor and get the therapy you so desperately need. It could change your whole outlook. These people can be so good at what they do in getting you to look at things in ways that never occurred to you and it can be so soothing and enlightening. I really hope that when you are ready, you'll seek that out. There's no good thing about living the rest of your life with this degree of pain and anguish.

My heart goes out to you and all who have been abused and hurt so badly.

((((((HUGS))))))

I am so, so sorry that you had to got through that hell and are having it revisited on you again. I wish I had something profound to say to make you feel better--all I can offer though are (((((((hugs))))))) and my support and prayers.

It always amazes me and pisses me off to see how many women are abused during their lives. I am sorry someone would hurt any of you like this and wish more dads would teach their sons how to love and the worth of women.

Do whatever it takes to make your life as happy as possible. Forget about it/prosecute whatever. I understand that some people think you have a responsiblity to do something so they cant do this again, but alot of other people have totally blown what they were responsible for to let these kind of things happen over and over again(parents/cops/communities). You didnt do anything to deserve this so you do whatever it takes to feel as good as you can.

I dont know what else to say, but from a man, I am sorry this happened to you and i am sorry that this kind of thing happens to anyone.

Oh ya, on the topic of what kind of people want to be cops. All the people i know from childhood that have become cops, not one would I have wanted to become a cop. They are all people who had awful driving records and just wanted to drive fast and carry a gun. Its really scary.