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  #9521  
Old 10-29-2013, 12:13 AM
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Picklepaige Picklepaige is offline
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Thanks to everyone who responded; I just really needed a place to vent, so why not the venting thread

And dear lord I feel like I'm back in high school with all this boy drama crap. I'm seriously getting embarrassed writing all this out, haha.

To everyone who asked, when I say not in an "official" relationship, I mean we're not going out, we refer to each other as "friend," not as "boyfriend/girlfriend," little things like that. Quite honestly, we started off as friends with benefits, because I was a crazy depressed teenager who did stupid things, and over the years we've gradually developed into what we are now; we just never really label ourselves as a couple, for whatever reason. I'm not exactly sure why we don't, I think it'd make things easier when explaining to other people. We act like a couple, I can say with confidence that I am in love with him, and he feels the same way.

Honestly, we're like that perfect couple that everyone is jealous of. We "get" each other, we've never had a single fight, and we're almost sickeningly lovey dovey with each other...so now that an issue has popped up, I'm freaking out. I know this is my problem, not his, because in the past, I wouldn't have cared if he slept with other women. Back when we were first starting to become close, I thought he actually had slept with someone else (it turns out he didn't) and I honestly didn't care, and I definitely wasn't jealous. I told him I didn't get jealous. But that was a couple years ago, and now that I've been with him longer, I'm so much more attached to him, and my feelings have drastically changed.

Like CaliTerp said, I know we really need to have a chat about all this, but I'm nervous about bringing it up. I know he won't get mad, I would probably have to murder his family for him to get genuinely mad at me, but I'm scared he'll be disappointed. I'm afraid he'll be upset that I'm no longer "who I used to be," in that sense.
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  #9522  
Old 10-29-2013, 12:53 AM
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CharlieDog CharlieDog is offline
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Pickle, I think, honestly, that honesty is totally the best policy, and explaining to him rationally won't make him mad at you. If he's disappointed that he can't sleep with this other person, you need to talk to him about where your relationship is going.

It will feel SO much better to sit down and get it off your chest, and when you know how he feels, you'll know what direction to head in, as far as your relationship goes.
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  #9523  
Old 10-29-2013, 01:09 AM
ruffiangirl ruffiangirl is offline
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I would also wager he knows how you feel or else he wouldn't have asked.
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  #9524  
Old 10-29-2013, 07:45 AM
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Fran101 Fran101 is offline
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I felt a tiny trickle of insecurity, so instead of being rational.. I let it fester and build for weeks then suddenly and without warning hit my boyfriend with it FULL FORCE.
I mean paragraphs on paragraphs of it.

I was feeling way too attached to him, and told him I might want some space to kind of get my bearings. He said "Ok". The idea of him being ok with me wanting space (WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED) finally threw me off the deep end and I went nuts and just dumped my issues all over him.

And the communication thing isn't easy which only makes it worse.

Why do I do this? WHYYYYYYY???

On one hand, yes, I do over think, I do over-react, I do write long winded paragraphs and it can be a bit alarming.
On the other, I feel like those are things that are ok to do with someone who supposedly love you.
and instead of being comforting he was being all
"You need to calm down, every thing is fine. You are over thinking this. Calm down."

I KNOW IM OVER THINKING I WANT YOU TO BE COMFORTING YOU'RE ANALYTICAL COLD APPROACH TO MY FEELINGS MAKES ME FREAK OUT EVEN MORE.

He just..calls me perfect all the time but being perfect is exhausting and the very idea of me have shaken that image and he not liking this one is just..

I feel like I ruined everything and would like to go wallow in self pity for the rest of forever
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  #9525  
Old 10-29-2013, 08:46 AM
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*blackrose *blackrose is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
I felt a tiny trickle of insecurity, so instead of being rational.. I let it fester and build for weeks then suddenly and without warning hit my boyfriend with it FULL FORCE.
I mean paragraphs on paragraphs of it.

I was feeling way too attached to him, and told him I might want some space to kind of get my bearings. He said "Ok". The idea of him being ok with me wanting space (WHICH IS WHAT I WANTED) finally threw me off the deep end and I went nuts and just dumped my issues all over him.

And the communication thing isn't easy which only makes it worse.

Why do I do this? WHYYYYYYY???

On one hand, yes, I do over think, I do over-react, I do write long winded paragraphs and it can be a bit alarming.
On the other, I feel like those are things that are ok to do with someone who supposedly love you.
and instead of being comforting he was being all
"You need to calm down, every thing is fine. You are over thinking this. Calm down."

I KNOW IM OVER THINKING I WANT YOU TO BE COMFORTING YOU'RE ANALYTICAL COLD APPROACH TO MY FEELINGS MAKES ME FREAK OUT EVEN MORE.

He just..calls me perfect all the time but being perfect is exhausting and the very idea of me have shaken that image and he not liking this one is just..

I feel like I ruined everything and would like to go wallow in self pity for the rest of forever
I have a very bad feeling I am about to do something similar...because he just isn't getting the smaller hints I'm throwing at him.

BUT, that being said, at times when I have poured out my emotions on one thing or another and Michael isn't giving me the appropriate response that I need to calm myself down, I tell him what I need from him. "No, don't be logical, just shut up make me feel better." Or something of the sort. Which he gladly does, because his attempt to be logical was his attempt to be comforting, and that just wasn't what I needed TO be comforted, but he didn't know that.
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  #9526  
Old 10-29-2013, 09:16 AM
-bogart- -bogart- is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Picklepaige View Post
Thanks to everyone who responded; I just really needed a place to vent, so why not the venting thread

And dear lord I feel like I'm back in high school with all this boy drama crap. I'm seriously getting embarrassed writing all this out, haha.

To everyone who asked, when I say not in an "official" relationship, I mean we're not going out, we refer to each other as "friend," not as "boyfriend/girlfriend," little things like that. Quite honestly, we started off as friends with benefits, because I was a crazy depressed teenager who did stupid things, and over the years we've gradually developed into what we are now; we just never really label ourselves as a couple, for whatever reason. I'm not exactly sure why we don't, I think it'd make things easier when explaining to other people. We act like a couple, I can say with confidence that I am in love with him, and he feels the same way.

Honestly, we're like that perfect couple that everyone is jealous of. We "get" each other, we've never had a single fight, and we're almost sickeningly lovey dovey with each other...so now that an issue has popped up, I'm freaking out. I know this is my problem, not his, because in the past, I wouldn't have cared if he slept with other women. Back when we were first starting to become close, I thought he actually had slept with someone else (it turns out he didn't) and I honestly didn't care, and I definitely wasn't jealous. I told him I didn't get jealous. But that was a couple years ago, and now that I've been with him longer, I'm so much more attached to him, and my feelings have drastically changed.

Like CaliTerp said, I know we really need to have a chat about all this, but I'm nervous about bringing it up. I know he won't get mad, I would probably have to murder his family for him to get genuinely mad at me, but I'm scared he'll be disappointed. I'm afraid he'll be upset that I'm no longer "who I used to be," in that sense.


Think on this , NO ONE is who they used to be. Everyone grows everyday. hugs and I hope you can work it out .
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  #9527  
Old 10-29-2013, 09:29 AM
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DJEtzel DJEtzel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *blackrose View Post
I have a very bad feeling I am about to do something similar...because he just isn't getting the smaller hints I'm throwing at him.

BUT, that being said, at times when I have poured out my emotions on one thing or another and Michael isn't giving me the appropriate response that I need to calm myself down, I tell him what I need from him. "No, don't be logical, just shut up make me feel better." Or something of the sort. Which he gladly does, because his attempt to be logical was his attempt to be comforting, and that just wasn't what I needed TO be comforted, but he didn't know that.
I agree with this.

I've been there, done that Fran... and it is exhausting emotionally.

I've found that most guys just don't understand that you don't want them to talk you through it and actually want comfort. I don't think it's natural for many men? Tell him what you want in that sort of situation (when it's not actively happening) and see what he does next time.
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  #9528  
Old 10-29-2013, 09:43 AM
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Beanie Beanie is offline
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The thing with men is they ARE, generally speaking, analytical first. And what they're looking for is the solution to the problem. It's not that they're cold - it's just they think in a different manner. Blackrose is dead on: if she communicates she just needs comfort rather than logic and solutions, it's not a problem, but without saying "Will you stop trying to be so logical about this and just make me feel better?" he's not aware.
(As it happens this is what drives me crazy about talking to women - they DON'T try to solve problems and think you just want an "oh, poor baby, I'm so sorry!" NO! I WANT HELP! STOP!!)

I mean, you told him you wanted space. What's the answer to that besides "okay?" If you said you wanted space and he said NO he's a controlling, possessive jerk. There is no other (sane) response to that except okay.
He's not saying he doesn't like you. He's not saying HE wants space. You said you wanted space, and he was respectful of that. Probably because he loves you and he's confident you love him too, so you're being overly emotional right now and a little crazy, but when you're done, everything will be fine. Which is what he said... everything is fine.

I hate to tell you this, Fran, but I'm fairly confident he KNOWS you aren't perfect and probably knew it long before this. What he likely means is you're perfect for him. And that's the only kind of perfect he needs. He doesn't need your definition of perfect, mine, or any other person's definition of perfect... only his. And that's what he sees you as. Don't take it as some kind of measure you have to stand up to. He's not asking you to measure up to anything... he's just telling you how he feels about you. Just by nature of being you, you measure up to how he feels. No more than that.


Don't be subtle with men. Just don't. It won't work. For that matter, don't be subtle with women either. You don't have to be blunt and harsh, but just say stuff. Stop hinting. Just say it.
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  #9529  
Old 10-29-2013, 09:51 AM
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I hate everyone and everything.
Hey, me too!!
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  #9530  
Old 10-29-2013, 09:53 AM
Saeleofu Saeleofu is offline
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Quote:
Stop hinting. Just say it.


This. A million times over. In EVERY situation.
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