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Old 09-17-2013, 08:09 PM
sillysally's Avatar
sillysally sillysally is offline
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Default Parent Relationship Question...

My dad and I have a somewhat difficult history. He is an alcoholic and my parents divorced when I was 3 because of it. I was afraid of him as a child and didn't have much of a relationship with him when I was very young (I called him by his first name rather than "daddy" for several years).

As I grew up I would visit him one day a weekend. We never really spent much time DOING things together, he just watched whatever game was on and I did my own thing. He live next door to us (long story) but never really went out of his way to be involved with my life other that that one day a week.

If I did stay the night there (he lived with my grandma) he would always go out drinking and once even came home so drunk he crawled into bed with me and passed out-I couldn't wake him and had to go sleep on the couch. In addition, my mom was CONSTANTLY having to chase him down for child support. He would quit jobs to avoid paying or take cash only jobs. He would tell my mom he gave me cash when he didn't, and that I must have just not given it to her. He owes her thousands in back child support still.

My mom remarried when I was 5, and my stepdad is an absolutely awesome guy--he totally stepped up and was way more of a dad than my dad ever was to me. He was and still is very involved with my life.

After I got out if high school it got to where I only saw my dad on holidays, and was totally fine with that-no more contact was necessary.

Fast forward to last year...My dad started having some health problems and couldn't work (not that he was employed at the time they started anyway). After it became clear that he could not support himself, my aunt agreed to take him in. It took 2 months to get the house cleaned out and get him moved, and DH and I paid for his rent, phone, gas, and food for those two months. Getting everything moved was a frustrating process for all involved, and I ended up spending more time with my dad than I ever had before.

Now he's at my aunts (3 hours away) and he has gotten, for lack of a better word, clingy with me. All of the sudden he texts me all the time, wants to have these deep conversations, wants to see me ALL.THE.TIME. and sends me sappy and weird texts (even a poem once) about how much he misses me. He also feels to need to tell me details about his bodily functions that I DO NOT want to know.

I don't want this kind of relationship with him. I have a stepdad that fits well into the "father" role and don't want a clingy, weird relationship with a man who I previously saw 3-5 times a year.

I feel terrible for feeling this way. I get annoyed at him then feel guilty for being annoyed. Is this normal? Am I a being unreasonable??

You get a red velvet cupcake if you read all of that...

~Christina--Mom to:
Sally--8 yr old pit bull mix
Jack--6 yr old Labrador
Sadie & Runt--12 yr old calico DSHs
Pickles & Kiwi--3 yr old white winged parakeets
Yoda--1 yr old Quaker parrot
Solo--12 yr old Senegal parrot
Sheena--Quarter Horse--3/24/86-6/23/11--Rest Easy Sweet Girl~

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Old 09-17-2013, 08:28 PM
MicksMom's Avatar
MicksMom MicksMom is offline
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Originally Posted by sillysally View Post
...I feel terrible for feeling this way. I get annoyed at him then feel guilty for being annoyed. Is this normal? Am I a being unreasonable??...
For what it's worth, I think feeling guilty is normal. But I also don't think you're being unreasonable. Assuming your Dad isn't going through some kind of dementia, maybe text him you were happy with the way things were before the move and ask him not to text/call you so much.

Now, all that said- is it possible your father is going through some kind of dementia, and really thinks you guys had a close relationaship?
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Old 09-17-2013, 08:44 PM
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sassafras sassafras is offline
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Minnesota
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If he's having serious health problems, he may be staring his own mortality in the face, having regrets over the past, and trying to reconnect with you. If that's the case, it would be nice if he'd just say so and acknowledge that he has stuff to have regrets over instead of just acting like everything has always been hunky dory, though.

It's up to you how much you want to reconnect with him. It's ok to not want to have that relationship with him, either for now or forever. Personally, I probably wouldn't cultivate it for the moment until I got my own feelings sorted out, but I wouldn't burn any bridges either (also until I got my own feelings sorted out).

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