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Old 05-08-2013, 12:26 AM
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Barbara! Barbara! is offline
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Default Life update, finally. (Advice and insight welcome.)

Is it bad that the simple arithmetic question I was asked to be able to post this thread stumped me for a minute? Yikes. My brain must be having issues, so forgive me is this is jumbled. Also forgive me double time if this is long. I know it will be. For those of you who bare through it, bless you. Lmao.

So...recap?

Most of you know what happened to/with me at the end of last year. For those who don't, I guess the quick summary could be: my boyfriend of three years and I got pregnant. A couple weeks after we knew he decided to announce that he was no longer in love with me. A couple weeks after that he committed felonies which got us both evicted from the apartment we were in and he ran from the cops for a few weeks, leaving me alone in a house with no money while still stringing me on a "we will fix it" train. I found out on New Years Eve that he had been cheating on me with a younger girl for around 3-4 months and that not only had he lied to me, but his family as well for they had allowed the two to have their little meet ups at their house (when Josh was, to me, "at work")..all while telling this girl that Josh and I were not together. Three days into 2013, I was back home with my parents in Leesville, Louisiana. Severely distraught.



Now this is the part, I think, where I have to catch you guys up.

As soon as I got into Leesville, I guess you could say I was a little brain dead. I was throwing myself into things without really thinking... just sort of making the motions of being "okay" when I wasn't. I signed up for school and almost immediately started classes. I started job hunting. (Leesville is a cesspool though, jobs aren't easy to come by.) Every week and a half or so, though, I'd just break down a little. I'd cry myself to sleep and blow up Josh's phone begging him to let us try again for our son... it was pathetic. Every time though, I'd feel a little stronger afterwards. I'd feel ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be so weak and I'd argue with myself and each time a little more sense would return to me. I'd remember the physical and emotional and mental abuse I had been subjected to... I remembered the bad times because God, were there bad times for the entire duration of our relationship. I began reaching out to friends and actually allowing them to help me. One female friend in particular really helped... we even arranged a set up where every time I would have the urge to call or text Josh, I would call or text her instead. It really worked and there were several day long stretches where I didn't talk to Josh at all. I started talking to a really great man who we will call D, and he did the simplest things to make me feel worthwhile again and he encouraged me and made me truly BELIEVE myself that I could do all of this and make it out just fine. He'd been my friend for a while, but I found myself looking at him as a best friend and wanting to speak to him daily.

Emotionally, I was getting better and slowly improving. Even though I still had to see Josh for doctors appointments, I was managing to see what he really was instead of what I had seen through rose colored glasses. (Did I use that phrase correctly? Lol.) I was less forgiving of the lies he was still feeding me, and rarely let him get a rise out of me.

School, however, was taking a kind of toll on me. Since Leesville is so small, there is only one school. A very small school with limited classes. Since I didn't do so great in high school, the only way I could attend their school was through a program that required me to do 18 credit hours. This was making it VERY hard to find a job that would allow me enough hours to even support myself in my parents home, much less allow enough time for me to also concentrate on my school work. I began to panic because I needed to move out of my parents house and get my own place, but didn't know how that was possible with school. (Family problems.. if you'd like to know, just ask.) I was also worried because, well... babies cost money, and I wasn't making enough. So I made the decision, and it was a very hard one, to drop out of school for now in pursuit of two jobs, if possible. I felt like a failure and I still wonder now about it, but I don't regret it. Afterwards, I worked full time for a cleaning company in the mornings and I delivered pizzas at night. All of my paychecks went towards myself and towards getting things for Ryland.

I suppose I should tell you guys a little more about "D". I met him online back in August. He is a public figure in the Freethinkers/Atheist community and I found him that way. We immediately hit it off and were good friends for a while, and grew even closer after all of the stuff with Josh. However, he lived/lives 5 hours away from Leesville, in Dallas, Texas. Towards the end of February, though, he started bouncing around the idea of "what if" he came to see me after Ryland was born? We liked each other a lot, but with all that was going on, we were moving as slowly as possible and trying to be as mature about the idea of a relationship as we could be. I had other things to concentrate on besides a boyfriend and he knew and respected that. We made plans for him to come and visit me after Ryland was here, but started talking daily on the phone for 5+ hours each day. In mid-March, he finally broke down and told me that he felt like he was falling in love with me, and wanted to come and see me for my birthday on the 23rd. This made me ridiculously happy, as the feelings were VERY mutual, so he came and stayed in a hotel in Leesville for a few days and took me out to eat and it was honestly the happiest I have been in a while. He was everything I had dreamed he would be and even with all of the other complications in my life, he felt like a utopia. I know how to recognize a honeymoon phase, though, so I was still very cautious. I wasn't going to be caught dead jumping into a rebound or into another long term relationship that could turn sour. I will never let anyone control me again or allow my identity to rest on the shoulders of another person. He wasn't asking for or expecting any of these things, though, which only made me swoon more. He was encouraging in everything, he was always honest with me even if it was something that could hurt my feelings, and always wanted the best for me in every way possible, regardless of how that effected us or a future relationship between the two of us. He gave/gives me the space I need whenever I need it without question or resentment. He's very communicative... he is just overall, a really great and intelligent man that I absolutely adore. We made a relationship between the two of us official not long after my birthday and made plans for me to come and see him again on May 14th in Dallas.

At this point, Josh was becoming... a little frenzied. He was no longer attending doctors appointments (he skipped out on the anatomy scan to spend the day with his girlfriend, and the one before that was the last one he came to), but still harassed me daily for "updates" on my pregnancy. These calls/texts were usually ignored until he would begin to call my family or D (who he constantly tells me I am not "allowed" to be with). I have always kept him updated on the health of my pregnancy, and the dates of the appointments, as my lawyer advised me that doing this would be beneficial to me so that he could not claim later in court that I kept him out of the loop. Josh would also occasionally pull out his forked tongue and manipulate me into thinking we could have friendly conversation about my life and his.. so I would tell him a few details about my life that I now regret ever telling him. He also began to harass me about a laptop I had that belonged to the both of us, claiming he wanted it so he could sell it because he was "hard on money". He was also down my back about my Canon T3i, which he purchased for me as a gift on credit and is making monthly payments on. He either wants me to take over the monthly payments or return the camera. Now... with all of this, I was at a moral dilemma for a bit. I considered returning the laptop to him... but then again, during the split, he was greedy and gave me very little of anything we accumulated together, and only really gave me the things I came into the relationship with besides dishes and a couple pieces of furniture that I bought. He kept all of the electronics (besides the laptop) that included TVs, game consoles, a large collection of DVDs, two GPSs, a different laptop.. he also kept misc. items like furniture and our 120 gallon fish tank. He has sold ALL OF IT. Even things that were mine. He has pawned or sold them under the guise that he was and is "hard on money". He doesn't remember this often enough to strictly hide it, but I can still see his bank account. He has a full time job making about $1200 a month. He spends most of his money on restaurants with Paige, his girlfriend. He has bought her a few diamond necklaces which he makes monthly payments on. He lives with his parents under condition of his bond, and has no house bills. He has bought a new car, even though he has a working truck and two working motorcycles, and still has the gall to harass me about money. He has contributed a total of THIRTY DOLLARS towards things for Ryland. So while this may be wrong, as far as the laptop and camera go... he can kiss my ass. Plain and simple. I have no obligation to him for either one of these things.
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"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself." -D.H. Lawrence

"Only when the last tree is cut, only when the last river is polluted, only when the last fish is caught, will they realize that you can’t eat money." –Native American proverb
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