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Old 02-28-2013, 08:01 PM
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Default If your OH was uncomfortable with your opposite sex friends would you give them up?

I have a very good OH But sometimes, he kind of is wishy-washy about my opposite sex friends, ESP one I am close with & have known for a long time.

Some time she tells me that it is ok & that he trusts me & then he will turn around & chastise me for having male friends while HE has & talks to women all the time. Some of them are my friends also.

So ... What do you guys think? Would you give up your friends if your OH "told" you to?
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:10 PM
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If it really was an issue, I'd find some sort of middle ground. Like only talking to that person on my phone, so my OH can check it since he snoops on my phone all the time. Or just in person with the OH there. Really if that doesn't work there are some issues in the relationship.

This is from someone who goes out and almost always comes home to another woman in the house with her OH. I actually wondered when I came home and it was two men, wasn't used to that! (the women though aren't anything he'd be into, I hope....)
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:23 PM
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No, I wouldn't. It would not be an issue here though. We're both fine with opposite sex friends
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:27 PM
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I suppos it depends. For my husband.. I would give up almost anything but that is because A) he is an incredible man who loves me unconditionally and I am never left wondering about his feelings for me. He is very forthcoming and honest about his feelings. B) I know that he would never TELL me what I must do to keep him but if he was jncomfortable with something he would tell me he is uncomfortable and leave it up to me to decide course of action. He doesn't TELL me what to do, just shares his feelings and leaves the rest to me. I LOVE him and appreciate his honesty and his trust and there is no one in my life that is worth what I have with him and te fact that I know he would never force my hand is more than enough to convince me that his feelings MATTER!!!! C) I know without a doubt that he would do the same for me. He would respect my feelings and insecurities and do it because it makes me feel better even though I would never TELL him YOU MUST DO THIS or my love becomes conditional. No not how it works.

We just value each others feelings above all else (except God). My respect for him
And love is not conditional upon him doing what i say and vice versa BUT I also respect and love him enough that I respect his feelings and him mine.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:28 PM
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First of all, DH would never "tell" me to. If he had an issue with it we would talk it out and likely come to some middle ground where we could hang out as a group, etc.

ETA: sparks answer is a good one
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:32 PM
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No.
Not trusting me around people of the opposite sex implies that I am some kind of animal who can't control her instincts. Even if they did flip a switch and hit on me.. it takes two to tango and you should trust me to say no.

I don't do jealousy and I don't do relationships without trust. I also don't do relationship where you dictate who I do or not see or where I go. Sorry. Not going to happen. I am independent, and I love being in a relationship but I believe a healthy relationship means compromise, communication, love and TRUST.

COMPROMISE being a key point there. Of course feelings are important and even if they don't make sense to me, I'll do my best to listen and understand them and find a compromise we are both happy with. But I am not going to drop people I love because of you.

My friends are vital to my life. I will not become one of those peoples whose significant others is the only person in their universe. I am just not the kind.

I love my friends.
I also don't think I'd love the idea of someone I loved being so careless of my feelings that they would even ASK me to give up people that mean so much to me.

I don't choose my friends based on genitalia. I love them for who they are and if my significant other can't deal well then they can take a long hike.

We can talk. We can compromise. I don't mean to say that their feelings are unimportant or "wrong"
but I will not give up my friends.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparks19 View Post
I suppos it depends. For my husband.. I would give up almost anything but that is because A) he is an incredible man who loves me unconditionally and I am never left wondering about his feelings for me. He is very forthcoming and honest about his feelings. B) I know that he would never TELL me what I must do to keep him but if he was jncomfortable with something he would tell me he is uncomfortable and leave it up to me to decide course of action. He doesn't TELL me what to do, just shares his feelings and leaves the rest to me. I LOVE him and appreciate his honesty and his trust and there is no one in my life that is worth what I have with him and te fact that I know he would never force my hand is more than enough to convince me that his feelings MATTER!!!! C) I know without a doubt that he would do the same for me. He would respect my feelings and insecurities and do it because it makes me feel better even though I would never TELL him YOU MUST DO THIS or my love becomes conditional. No not how it works.

We just value each others feelings above all else (except God). My respect for him
And love is not conditional upon him doing what i say and vice versa BUT I also respect and love him enough that I respect his feelings and him mine.
Yes yes yes this.

It took my husband some time to realize that I often prefer male friends to female ones and not to be 'jealous'. I'm just not a girly girl and a lot of women aren't my 'friend type'. I also work with a lot of men. My husband now understands where I'm coming from and has become friends with several of my guy friends.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:38 PM
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Well, first I'd need him to explain his discomfort to me considering that all of my opposite sex friends are mutual friends that are both homosexual and old enough to be our dads.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:46 PM
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No. I wouldn't. I don't do well with ultimatums.

However, if they are asking you for a legitimate reason rather than because they can't deal with their own insecurities, it's up for discussion. If it's because they're insecure, the reason for their insecurities can be discussed to see how you two as a couple can move forward from them.

A legitimate reason would be something such as if you had lied about your relationship with that friend or lied about anything you've done with them. In that case I can see where the trust issue came from in the first place, and it definitely needs to be dealt with - but then you have a much bigger problem than your SO asking you not to talk to your friends.

Having been in that situation before, I can say that it's not fun and destroys the trust in the relationship almost completely. I still don't think it's a fair or reasonable request, but I think we all ask for unreasonable things once in a while in relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kilter View Post
If it really was an issue, I'd find some sort of middle ground. Like only talking to that person on my phone, so my OH can check it since he snoops on my phone all the time. Or just in person with the OH there. Really if that doesn't work there are some issues in the relationship.
I'd have a problem with the snooping on the phone more than "don't hang out with so and so."

One of my friends doesn't want me to text him because his wife might see the texts, and I flat out told him that there's nothing for her to be jealous of because I don't feel that way about him and I'd be happy to let her know that if she'd ever like to call me and ask me why I'm texting her husband. About totally mundane things, like cars. And vodka. Unless those things are now code for adultery.
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Old 02-28-2013, 08:50 PM
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Yeah, i don't get phone snooping. I don't care if DH looks at my phone and I'm free to look at his if I want, but neither of us do it for the purpose of spying on the other.
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~Christina--Mom to:
Sally--8 yr old pit bull mix
Jack--6 yr old Labrador
Sadie & Runt--12 yr old calico DSHs
Pickles & Kiwi--3 yr old white winged parakeets
Yoda--1 yr old Quaker parrot
Solo--12 yr old Senegal parrot
Sheena--Quarter Horse--3/24/86-6/23/11--Rest Easy Sweet Girl~




Labs do it in the lake.


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