He cheated on me.

[GipsyQueen]

Originally Posted by Barbara!

I am at my parents now. Not a very warm welcome.. Makes it a little harder. I was able to get a meal in me, though. Malyk is stressing out, but he will be okay.

He did fuss at me about not eating, and he said he was worried that I was more I am going to meet Josh tomorrow at the old place and finish moving out and cleaning...

One moment I am okay, and the next I am in shambles. I do already feel a little better being here, though. My panic episodes aren't as frequent or as intense. We will see how I sleep tonight. The last few nights I have been waking up suddenly in full blown panic attack a couple times a night... So hopefully that won't happen tonight.

Josh has been talking with me today pretty nicely for the most part.worried about him than my own well being... Which made sense. He's not a stupid guy.. He just. I don't know. His brother wasn't very nice, though. He was upset I didn't have the house 100% packed up and clean, so he was calling me useless and saying the reason Josh left me for Paige is because I always mooched off of Josh and because I got fat. Really hit home and really hurt. I don't think I would be as hurt if Josh wasn't with a new girl already. I just don't understand HOW he could do that to me... 3 years and he's already in someone else's arms and "in love" with them. How....

I spoke to an over-the-phone therapist today and he said the best thing for me to do is to get distance from Josh and for Josh to get distance from me. He said it could happen that Josh misses me and realizes what he did and lost and wants me back... But it is also likely that that won't happen and I need to learn to process that. He said there is no excuse for what Josh did... It was wrong and disrespectful and insensitive and it only shows that he is truly someone I shouldn't desire... I just don't know that yet. He said distance will bring clarity in that aspect, and I may come to be very happy without him and desire as little as contact with him as possible. He said my relationship with Josh sounds very toxic (the entire thing)... Like we both kind of took turns taking swings at each other... I just grew up and Josh didn't, and his final blow was the biggest and most painful.

I do need to process all of this. I know I will get better, but right NOW it is so hard. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. And some of you are right...no, my child isn't the first and only thing on my mind. He is and so is this girl. It keeps me awake and shaking and... Ugh.

I expressed one of my biggest fears to the therapist.. That I won't be able to love this baby. Because now, it's hard. Whenever I think of the fact that I am pregnant, an overwhelming sadness grows inside of me and I don't think what I should... I don't think "my baby"... I think "Josh's baby" and it only hurts. The therapist said this isn't uncommon in cases like this, and that usually it resolves itself as the pregnancy progresses and I start to recognize the baby as its own entity, and not an emotion or correlation to someone else. It frightens me most because that's what happened with my biological mother.. She didn't love me and gave me to my father. I am so much like her...

I weighed myself today and while I am glad for the weight loss... I know it's not good. I am almost 14 weeks pregnant and at 8 weeks, I weighed 264. I am now down to 228. /:

I thank all of you for taking the time to type what you do... And if you think I'm not listening, I promise that I am. I am doing everything I can to try to change my mental state of mind and figure this out. It's just not a snap your fingers kind of thing... I would love to be over this and move on.

I haven't said anything in your threads, because I did not want to be pulled into anything. I just can't just watch anymore though. I'd love to shake you right now (and give you a hug) but I can't.

So without trying to sound harsh - for one, you NEED to EAT. Your unborn child is a risk. Not just his or her health but also his or her life. You're early in pregancy. By not eating and the stress levels you have, you are at risk of loosing your child.

Secondly, Josh is an idiot. He does not deserve to be with you. Be glad you got rid of that scumbag. Stop taking calls from his brother. It's not helping, it's just making everything worse. If possible take only minimal amounts of call from Josh. Can you get a friend or possibly your dad to help him finish moving out of your house so you don't have to see him. I wish I could say cut all ties, but you are expecting a child from him.

[Dogdragoness]

Originally Posted by noludoru

Coming from someone who has a depressive disorder, you need to be on medication. Please. It gets so much better. There are ups and downs, but they are not like unmedicated ups and downs. For what it's worth, manic depressive disorder and bipolar disorder are the same thing. If you are one meds, they are clearly not working like they should - you need to see someone who can help.



If the answer is no, you need to be considering other alternatives. Adoption or abortion. I'm sure someone will have a heart attack over the second suggestion, but here's the thing - pregnancy hormones wreak havoc on your mental state, and postpartum depression is horrific for women who don't have depression issues - it can be deadly for those that do. Is that a safe plan for you right now? Are you willing to take that risk? Do you have someone who can take care of the baby if you're hospitalized for it?

I'm glad someone else said what I was thinking & wnted to say about the Bortion option.

[milos_mommy]

I'm very glad you got the advice of a therapist. Your parents might take a little time to process all that's happened, but it sounds like in general they will be supportive if you make good choices for yourself and your baby.

I also hope you've spoken to your OB about your rapid weight loss and lack of appetite!

[Dogdragoness]

I really hate to play this card I really do, but you don't seem like you really want this child. If you do not then you must make a decision ... Adoption or, of course abortion (which I was trying to say in my above post but when I hit the post button I accidentally hit delete & deleted the "A" in "abortion").

If you do not think you can care for this child ... Then you have a decision to make

[Dizzy]

Seriously? People are suggesting she aborts her child..........?

I'm pro choice, but wow....

Wow.

[Lyzelle]

Honestly Dizzy? Yeah, that would be a valid choice. As the child of a woman like this, I wish my mother offed herself before deciding it was a great idea to drag me and my brother through her shitty, selfish decisions. Childhood was more than miserable. It was our own personal hell, where she hated herself, hated us, and let whatever man she was worshipping at the time do whatever they wanted with us. Physical abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, hatered, manipulation. We were used as her personal playthings and pawns, shoved back and forth from man to man. We were blamed for ruining her relationships with "good guys" who "didn't mean to steal/rape/drink/do drugs".

It was honestly miserable. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And right now, Barbra sounds JUST like my mother. Me, me, me...excuse, excuse, excuse. At this point, she is hardly fit to care for herself. Let alone be a mother. At the very least, she needs to prioritize this child and think what ahe can do that would be best for THAT life.

Rather than wonder if she can use it as a barganing chip to get Josh back.

[Dogdragoness]

Not a suggestion but she isn't eating or taking care of herself & doesn't seem to be making any effort to do so ... That's why myself & others suggested it. Besides what if she can't pull herself out of this funk? What becomes of the child?

[Taqroy]

Originally Posted by Dizzy

Seriously? People are suggesting she aborts her child..........?

I'm pro choice, but wow....

Wow.

I have no problem with it being put forward as an option. I don't think kids should be your whole world but I **** sure think they should get more consideration than this one is getting. The last post sounds more promising (talking to a counselor is good) but if the established behavior pattern continues I don't see any kind of good environment for this kid.

So, you think that she should have this kid when she has a short term place to live, no money, no job, a thieving-cheating-manipulative ex boyfriend that is likely going to jail, and apparently the emotional maturity of a pre-teen? Wow.

[Dogdragoness]

Having a kid is a huge responsibility & there is a lot of room for error ... People treat it like they are adopting a puppy or something like that, this is another HUMAN BEING we are talking about here.

& if the environment or the parentage is not suitable then no I'm sorry then this child shouldn't be brought into that. She came out & said "I know I'm being selfish thinking only of myself" that to me says a lot.

[Taqroy]

And I'm going to follow up my last post with: Barbara I am NOT saying you should get an abortion. I think you have some serious work to do on your mental and emotional help before that baby gets here though. You have 26 weeks to get it together if that's what you want. There are lots of places that will offer you help and I'm glad that you called and talked to a therapist - that's definitely a step in the right direction.

I am doing everything I can to try to change my mental state of mind and figure this out. It's just not a snap your fingers kind of thing... I would love to be over this and move on.

It's not a snap your fingers thing and I don't think anyone is really suggesting that. However, the level of attachment you're showing to Josh is exceedingly unhealthy and frankly pretty stupid. It's been said over and over that he is not the person you thought he was and was probably never the person you thought he was. Toxic relationships take time and effort to get over. It is doable and once you're out of it you'll probably look back and wonder wtf you were thinking. Until you can reach that point it is really important that you don't contact him.

Seriously. Don't contact him.

All that will do is drag you back into the cycle. Don't do it.