Originally Posted by Barbara!
I am at my parents now. Not a very warm welcome.. Makes it a little harder. I was able to get a meal in me, though. Malyk is stressing out, but he will be okay.
He did fuss at me about not eating, and he said he was worried that I was more I am going to meet Josh tomorrow at the old place and finish moving out and cleaning...
One moment I am okay, and the next I am in shambles. I do already feel a little better being here, though. My panic episodes aren't as frequent or as intense. We will see how I sleep tonight. The last few nights I have been waking up suddenly in full blown panic attack a couple times a night... So hopefully that won't happen tonight.
Josh has been talking with me today pretty nicely for the most part.worried about him than my own well being... Which made sense. He's not a stupid guy.. He just. I don't know. His brother wasn't very nice, though. He was upset I didn't have the house 100% packed up and clean, so he was calling me useless and saying the reason Josh left me for Paige is because I always mooched off of Josh and because I got fat. Really hit home and really hurt. I don't think I would be as hurt if Josh wasn't with a new girl already. I just don't understand HOW he could do that to me... 3 years and he's already in someone else's arms and "in love" with them. How....
I spoke to an over-the-phone therapist today and he said the best thing for me to do is to get distance from Josh and for Josh to get distance from me. He said it could happen that Josh misses me and realizes what he did and lost and wants me back... But it is also likely that that won't happen and I need to learn to process that. He said there is no excuse for what Josh did... It was wrong and disrespectful and insensitive and it only shows that he is truly someone I shouldn't desire... I just don't know that yet. He said distance will bring clarity in that aspect, and I may come to be very happy without him and desire as little as contact with him as possible. He said my relationship with Josh sounds very toxic (the entire thing)... Like we both kind of took turns taking swings at each other... I just grew up and Josh didn't, and his final blow was the biggest and most painful.
I do need to process all of this. I know I will get better, but right NOW it is so hard. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. And some of you are right...no, my child isn't the first and only thing on my mind. He is and so is this girl. It keeps me awake and shaking and... Ugh.
I expressed one of my biggest fears to the therapist.. That I won't be able to love this baby. Because now, it's hard. Whenever I think of the fact that I am pregnant, an overwhelming sadness grows inside of me and I don't think what I should... I don't think "my baby"... I think "Josh's baby" and it only hurts. The therapist said this isn't uncommon in cases like this, and that usually it resolves itself as the pregnancy progresses and I start to recognize the baby as its own entity, and not an emotion or correlation to someone else. It frightens me most because that's what happened with my biological mother.. She didn't love me and gave me to my father. I am so much like her...
I weighed myself today and while I am glad for the weight loss... I know it's not good. I am almost 14 weeks pregnant and at 8 weeks, I weighed 264. I am now down to 228. /:
I thank all of you for taking the time to type what you do... And if you think I'm not listening, I promise that I am. I am doing everything I can to try to change my mental state of mind and figure this out. It's just not a snap your fingers kind of thing... I would love to be over this and move on.
I haven't said anything in your threads, because I did not want to be pulled into anything. I just can't just watch anymore though. I'd love to shake you right now (and give you a hug) but I can't.
So without trying to sound harsh - for one, you NEED to EAT. Your unborn child is a risk. Not just his or her health but also his or her life. You're early in pregancy. By not eating and the stress levels you have, you are at risk of loosing your child.
Secondly, Josh is an idiot. He does not deserve to be with you. Be glad you got rid of that scumbag. Stop taking calls from his brother. It's not helping, it's just making everything worse. If possible take only minimal amounts of call from Josh. Can you get a friend or possibly your dad to help him finish moving out of your house so you don't have to see him. I wish I could say cut all ties, but you are expecting a child from him.
You are the whisper in the wind, and the silence in dark.
You are the autumn rain, and the spring flowers.
You are the joy when I laugh, and the sorrow when I cry.
You are the earth beneath my feet, and the air in the sky
But most of all, you are my heart.
Run free, Beautiful Girl.