Just missing my boy....

[Saeleofu]

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

[meepitsmeagan]

I know I PM'ed you, but still wanted to tell you to keep strong. Have you thought about starting fresh, like others have said? Maybe move to Tennessee so that you can have Limit fixes?

[houlahoops]

I'm posting an update, but I have something more important to say first.

When I originally wrote this, I was completely unsure of why I decided to put it in such a public place, and Chaz of all places, where I mostly go to squeal over puppy pictures and lurk through other posts. Your responses are exactly the reason that I'm glad it was here and nowhere else. I can feel your support even when I couldn't find any to cling to in the real world and I thank you for that. You are the absolute best and I love all of you ***hugs***

I went home. I met my parents at the airport and I hugged my dad and even my mom because she was there and I hate hurting her. It was the first time I hadn't felt like a scared little kid, retreating to a house full of eggshells and broken glass.

The worst of it came but not at first, and I found some fearlessness somewhere hidden while I waited. I have three more days until I can leave again, and from there it will be someplace new and far away, where my dad is a phonecall from my side and my mother is farther. I love her with everything I have, but something is broken--in me or her or the both of us together--that makes her want to wish me away, to tell my Autistic sister that she should leave so they can be happy.

I will get a house or an apartment, something bigger than my car where the two of us, my sister and I, can speak softly and kindly. The constant radio feedback and the endless loop of mumbled hatred will be gone. I will smile and mean it, and love someone deeply and sincerely just because I can. I will take the opportunities that life keeps tossing my way and I will see them for what they are: lights in a place that I once thought was a cave.

I still miss my boy...more acutely now that I can smell him in the corner and all of his old haunts. His collar is hung on the door to my room and it jingles every time it opens. Even in death he protects me from the surprise and fear of a furious delusion--his tags are the only thing that will wake me from even the deepest sleep.

(on a lighter note, now that I'm back in the States, I will naturally be inundating Chaz with spam of the fuzzy variety!).

[Renee750il]

You've been on my mind so much lately. (((((((HUGS)))))))

[stardogs]

Thanks so much for keeping us updated!

Originally Posted by houlahoops

I will get a house or an apartment, something bigger than my car where the two of us, my sister and I, can speak softly and kindly. The constant radio feedback and the endless loop of mumbled hatred will be gone. I will smile and mean it, and love someone deeply and sincerely just because I can. I will take the opportunities that life keeps tossing my way and I will see them for what they are: lights in a place that I once thought was a cave.

You already sound more positive - I wish you all the best as you start this new chapter!

[MisssAshby]

I do hope that you can find that little space that is yours, the one that allows you to live fearless, and along the way provides you lots of laughs and love. Stay positive, focused, and anything can be accomplished!