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  #21  
Old 12-30-2012, 07:04 PM
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I'm so glad I'm already married, because you are all describing me!
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  #22  
Old 12-30-2012, 07:27 PM
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I think broached as "hey, this cut would look cute on you" or "have you ever though of trying this" as part of a separate conversation is one thing but to say in response to "Guys never ask me out" something like "well try this haircut" is totally different.

If she is unsure and has low self esteem and is "hiding" her looks or self that is totally different and can use a nudge. But to say hey, you could get a guy if you wore this or cut this is not ok imo
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  #23  
Old 12-30-2012, 07:27 PM
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IF you know the friend has not changed her hairstyle in all these years because she's lacking confidence or motivation, or is worried about what people with think/say if she changes...if you know this FOR SURE, I see nothing wrong with encouraging her to try something new.

If she's perfectly content with the way she is and likes her hairstyle and has the idea she shouldn't need to dress to impress to get a boyfriend, even if it's simple things like a new haircut or more flattering clothes, there's no reason to say anything (and she will likely be offended if you do).

There's a difference between helping a friend who is a bit fashion clueless or less interested in aesthetics than you if they are interested in looking more approachable, and telling someone that if they want guys to notice them they should make an effort to change how they look - even if it's just basic style tips and not changing who they are or how they dress.
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  #24  
Old 12-30-2012, 07:35 PM
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and if she was totally happy with her life now.. and wasn't worrying about WHAT she was doing wrong and why guys aren't approaching..
I would totally say leave her alone.

But it's obvious there is something wrong. She is lonely, she is complaining, she wanted advice.. I don't think it's wrong for you to tell her how you feel and give your honest advice
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Old 12-30-2012, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
But it's obvious there is something wrong. She is lonely, she is complaining, she wanted advice.. I don't think it's wrong for you to tell her how you feel and give your honest advice
Yes, this!

I don't think Jules is saying she should change herself to get dates. But obviously the girl isn't happy and as a best friend I don't think it's out of the way to think about maybe saying "Hey, you're awesome but maybe a new haircut could give you a little edge and make you feel better"

But, if she's happy with how things are/her hair/her life then she shouldn't change.
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  #26  
Old 12-30-2012, 08:57 PM
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If she is into outdoor stuff, camping and fishing shoot me a pic via PM or post one here. She sounds interesting.
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  #27  
Old 12-30-2012, 09:07 PM
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About the OT, eh looks and all that...

But I really just wanted to post and say... My best friend would tell me. I would WANT my best friend to tell me, we are very honest with each other and we talk about being truthful in that way all the time. And yes I would tell her, gently, but I would
that includes you too Jess LOL
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  #28  
Old 12-30-2012, 10:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran27 View Post
Maybe you could suggest new flattering clothes, make up and a new haircut if she's going to hang out with a guy she likes or something ('so he'd get the hint').

That being said... I don't really believe in changing yourself just to get a date. I was never super feminine and my best friend isn't either, and we both found someone who loved us the way we are. I'm thinking if a guy won't ask her out because of her haircut, it's probably not a good match in the first place. That's coming from someone who got told 'I wanted to go out with you, then decided I didn't really want to date a girl who's like a guy' (there's no way I would have considered that guy though and the comment made me laugh).
This ^^^

Tho I have a slightly related funny story since the topic of gender confusion kinda came up: I have a really good guy friend who is Native American & has long hair (same length as mine ... Waist length (beautiful ... Hate him) thick, long glossy black hair. Well he was on a date with this girl & the server comes up & says "so what can I get you LADIES to drink?" My bud took it in stride & was just like "well... I'd like a coke." LOL the server & his date were modified but he was like "eh" lol.

When my hair as short years ago I also got confused for a boy oftentimes.
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  #29  
Old 12-30-2012, 10:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran101 View Post
and if she was totally happy with her life now.. and wasn't worrying about WHAT she was doing wrong and why guys aren't approaching..
I would totally say leave her alone.

But it's obvious there is something wrong. She is lonely, she is complaining, she wanted advice.. I don't think it's wrong for you to tell her how you feel and give your honest advice
Great point.

I am not a "girly girl" however I understand the importance of looks. Clean hair, clean face, clean clothes. They get you in the door, your personality keeps you there. I choose to look my best, for me, and when it pleases those around me I enjoy it. I also enjoy when people think I am smart and funny, it shows I've made an effort and it has paid off.

I spent a lot of time when I was younger not looking my best because I didn't know how to without being uncomfortable. Be the friend who helps her try. If she decides against it then no harm, no foul. If she decides she loves it, awesome!

I wear sweats and my hair a mess with my boyfriend but my effort, not my natural born looks, helped show him (or my job interviews, for another important example) I cared about myself and how he saw me when we met. This doesn't make anyone shallow, this merely shows people know the importance of appearance and all that comes with it.
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  #30  
Old 12-30-2012, 11:37 PM
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Don't have much to add other than what Fran said a page or so back.
If she does end up asking for advice, be gentle. You know her better than any of us and you know how she'll respond to different approaches.

As far as the "you shouldn't change for people" and "looks aren't who you are", I agree wholeheartedly. Unfortunately, first impressions generally stem from a basic analysis of a person's looks. Nobody's asking anyone to become a fashionista, but if you look like you don't care or know what you look like, people probably won't be as interested in what you have to offer, be it a prospective mate, employer, or customer. Showing you care what you look like, even to a very basic "I wear clean, properly fitted clothes and my hair works with my face" extent will unlock the doors. Those doors need to be unlocked before your personality can draw someone in.

I trust the OP knows their friend well enough to make the right decision and find the right words. Good luck to you and your friend.
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