Stephy's midnight musings/updates
I want to say....thanks
Thanks to those who hated me.
You made me stronger.
Thanks to those who loved me.
You made me realize life was worth living.
Thanks to those who cared.
You made me feel important & like I mattered.
Thanks to those who entered my life.
You made me who I am today.
Thanks to those who left.
You taught me that nothing lasts forever.
Thanks to those who stayed.
You showed me true friendship.
Thanks to those who listened.
You made me feel like I was worth it.
Let the critics of our friendship, Convention's footmen - roll their eyes.
Their low prejudices are wrenching, Sully your rennome as a wife,
but I won't genuflect to vested, proprieties at any price,
for right and wrong, however rusted, my private judgement must
Like you I prefer peace's pauses to battle's
catapults of stone,
Like you I visit people's houses but reside entirely in my own.
At parties I chat with fools and wisemen,
But listen only to my own heart.
I live today, but for the ages,
I live here, but in a world apart.
We don't cheat so we won't be cheated,
We meet; we say farewell again.
Our friendship wasn't much joy,
At least let our parting be without much pain.
*George Jonas, 2011. Based on Mikhail Lermontov's poem "Good Bye"
Wayward youngster, achingly sobbing till all voice is lost, in fortune there is a red kerchief on which to help your tears....
"***19981;***24517;***24796;***24826;***24826;! ***25105;***23527;***25291;***28879;***32023;, ***21435;***25563;***21435;***25563;***20841;***26412;***32147;***65292;***33879;***34952;***35039;***27512;***37326;***23546;***20358;***39178;***38748;!"
No need to pity me! I take these things and exchange them for scripture instead, I leave all this for a existence of slience
*My translations do not do these lines justice. From a Cantonese opera.
You must remember this
A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is still (just) a sigh
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by
And when two lovers woo
They still say: I love you
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by
Moonlight and love songs - never out of date
Hearts full of passion - jealousy and hate
Woman needs man - and man must have his mate
That no one can deny
It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by
I spoke with a friend of mine tonight....
Let's call her Fanny. Fanny referred me to Jacqueline for my stint (those who know will know - those who don't, I'm sorry - I'm not getting into all that all over again).
She was furious that I didn't carry on with the work. She said I didn't listen to her, I didn't take advice, and I was carrying on in a very "yum seng" (Cantonese for wayward/headstrong) manner contrary to her counsel. She said that I was embarrassing her, making her look bad, ruining her relationships with Jacqueline and co, and smearing her reputation.
I explained that it was in a moment of confusion, desperation, and numbness that I accepted the job and that I did not mean to cause trouble to anyone else and I was sorry if she lost money/anything else due to my not carrying through with the work for a longer time.
I was replied by a scoff then a hot sputtering of frustrations. "They're SO mad at me now! You're so irresponsible Stephy!" - that was followed by the click of her phone.
Thing is though; I received a text from Jacqueline herself earlier this evening, asking after me. She was concerned (seemingly) if I had secured a job yet and if I was eating okay. She wished me luck and told me to take care, as well as saying she hoped she didn't hear from me asking for employment again for my sake.
Talk about on the contrary...
I called her up after the conversation with Fanny. I apologized to her if due to me a wedge came up in her and Fanny's friendship. She was confused and revealed that she hadn't actually spoken to Fanny for at least a month - only exchanging texts and an email with her on the day prior to my engagement. We chatted for a short while more about other things then she had to go.
I have so few friends around already - the loss of even a dollar I feel nowadays, let alone the loss of support and just the feeling of someone being there and caring....we've known each other a long time and been there for each other through sh!t - I can't imagine everything just ending on this kind of a note. I'll give it time, and maybe when things settle....but it's hard not to feel hurt....
My other friends are in awkward positions. One is in between Hong Kong/Taiwan on business and won't be back till April foreseeably - she's trying to get some money through to me though and support me through Whatsapp conversations, Another is having to deal with very touchy family issues and is skimped herself, this guy who I went out with shortly....there are problems, emotional kinda problems; enough said. The last of my close pals has a house full of relatives over for the holidays and Chinese New Year's, is drowning in debt herself, and is just scraping by herself (without the anxiety of housing though). More casual acquaintances have either distanced themselves or have been sympathetic but unable to offer much aid themselves.
I'm so drained...
Feudin' and fightin' and a-fussin,'
That's all that's goin' on with us'n!
We are such neighborly people, peaceful and sweet!
All except when we happen to meet.
Stories, Poetry, and Musings
"And it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."
"There are those that love dogs insanely and those that don't. But once you like a dog, you're sunk. You're a dog person for life."
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