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  #21  
Old 10-19-2012, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by sassafras View Post
If you want to try to work it out, I think you two have to figure out a few things and it may take professional help to do so.

One, what need, exactly is he filling with this activity? Is it as simple as enjoying the attention of women, or getting his rocks off, or is there something deeper? Is he somehow testing your feelings for him? Is they lying just adding to the thrill or does he actually think he did something wrong?

Two, do you want it to stop. And if you do, is he able and willing to stop.

Three, if you want it to stop, and he agrees to stop, what exactly will it take for you to trust him again?
This.. I would have a very hard time with the lying aspect
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Old 10-19-2012, 02:36 PM
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Good responses, fair, and giving me lots to think about.

Thanks.
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  #23  
Old 10-19-2012, 02:52 PM
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For me just because my last bf was a douche I'd probably leave.

Life is short and I want to spend it with people I care about and who care about me. If someone doesn't care enough to just be honest I'm gone.

That being said in your case you don't sound like you want to leave. I'd sit down and talk and like others said maybe a counselor might help. But that would depend on if he really wanted to work on it.
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  #24  
Old 10-19-2012, 02:55 PM
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I haven't read a lot of the responses, but I do have a question.

Why an open relationship? I just don't understand how anyone can do that. I'd like to understand. Why would you choose an open relationship with someone?
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  #25  
Old 10-19-2012, 02:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sassafras View Post
If you want to try to work it out, I think you two have to figure out a few things and it may take professional help to do so.

One, what need, exactly is he filling with this activity? Is it as simple as enjoying the attention of women, or getting his rocks off, or is there something deeper? Is he somehow testing your feelings for him? Is they lying just adding to the thrill or does he actually think he did something wrong?

Two, do you want it to stop. And if you do, is he able and willing to stop.

Three, if you want it to stop, and he agrees to stop, what exactly will it take for you to trust him again?
Sass hit it on the head! Why is he doing this, and then why lie about it? Is he likely to be lying about other things? Can you trust him, or will you be able to trust him in other areas now?
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  #26  
Old 10-19-2012, 03:05 PM
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I'd have to say if it was just having an online account and he was just browsing a dating site, i could get past it (if I was a woman). But by contacting and messaging these women, it goes past what I'd find acceptable. The fact that the messages were dirty, tells me there's more there than he'll ever be honest about and at this point I wouldn't care.

He could say whatever he wanted, i probably wouldn't believe him. Is he telling the truth or what he wants you to believe is the truth?
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  #27  
Old 10-19-2012, 03:11 PM
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It's not an "open relationship", we are just not closed to things. The issue I have is the lies.

I don't believe him right now. On much. You're right, I don't want to leave, I probably won't, but I expect some answers, and we'll see....
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  #28  
Old 10-19-2012, 03:19 PM
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I just wanted to throw in some (((((((((((((((((MAJOR HUGS))))))))))))))))))

I'd be willing to bet that he lied about it because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. If he didn't lie, then he wouldn't be able to have both you and his "secret dating site identity." He knew it was wrong, obviously, but if he told the truth he'd be outing himself.

I know you recently moved in with him, so I'm wondering if he's having committment issues. He wanted to back out of getting a puppy due to committment issues, so I'm wondering if that flows through to other aspects of his life. Being able to dirty chat and share photos with other random girls still allows him to hold on to that feeling of being single.

Hopefully he opens up about it... but really, the lying is the part that would bother me the most. Will he stop doing it, or will he just be more careful about hiding his tracks in the future?
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  #29  
Old 10-19-2012, 03:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dizzy View Post
It's not an "open relationship", we are just not closed to things. The issue I have is the lies.

I don't believe him right now. On much. You're right, I don't want to leave, I probably won't, but I expect some answers, and we'll see....
That would kill me if I ever found Josh sending naughty messages back and forth with multiple women. I am unsure if I would leave. I would certainly consider it and big time.
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  #30  
Old 10-19-2012, 03:25 PM
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If you, in your heart, 100% believe you both can completely resolve the issue, I don't see any downside to staying.

But...if you have doubts, if you think this behavior might continue, if he might lie about more, or do anything else inappropriate (be it his behavior towards other women or hiding things from you), leaving is going to be a lot harder one or two years down the road than it is going to be now. Don't stay with him because you don't know where else to live or you don't want to leave Fred. Stay with him because you think this is a one time, minor, fixable issue in a relationship with a man who is otherwise a great match for you and enriches your life.
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