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  #51  
Old 10-12-2012, 07:24 PM
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I was put in foster care and adopted when I was 15 and it was by far the best thing that had ever happened to me. Although it was taken away from me when my mom regained custody and that shredded my heart to pieces, when I did get adopted it was the best feeling in the world. I felt, and still do feel, extremely blessed. Adopting a child is such an amazing gift to give to the child... because I guarantee you their life has been hell up until that point (foster care, halfway houses, horrific previous housing situations and terrible birth families). I can't even explain how amazing I felt when they let these people have me - it was like hell was finally over, the light at the end of the tunnel was finally in reach.
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  #52  
Old 10-12-2012, 08:07 PM
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Just to speak up on inter-racial adoptions. Since we are a mixed race family that adopted kids from quite a few cultures...

1. Learn to do your kids hair. I know, I know, this may seem like a tiny thing lol But I've seen far too many little girls adopted from Haiti to well meaning, wonderful and very white parents who have NO IDEA how to do their hair. Find an african american friend, go down to a salon, have a seat and learn a thing or two. It isn't like your hair.

2. There is no use fibbing to your kid about being adopted. Cats out of the bag lol so to speak. We are a tan olive skin toned family with little cousins that go from the palest of russian pale all the way to haiti's mahogany dark.. not to mention asian likenesses thrown in. Talk to your kid.

3. Let them learn about their birth culture, but don't force it upon them. Some may want to learn the language, partake in traditional coming of age stuff, etc.. but some are just fine with your traditions It's very personal and not mandatory.

4. Please don't over-romanticize these kids. They are kids.. they are not angels sent from above full of grace and gratitude. I love my little cousins, I really do. but holy hell are some of them spoiled ROTTEN. lol they can be naughty, boisterous, test their limits..they are KIDS.
Don't hold adopted kids to a higher standard like they should be thankful for being adopted any more than you would hold your birth child to that standard because you had them

5. Think of the changes of accepting a new culture, people, home, life... please try to be open to bringing some home comforts. Traditional baby/kids food especially.. with all going on, you don't want them not eating or getting stomach upsets to also be an issue.

6. If someone says something.. well, stupid. Please don't blow up in front of your child. That sends the idea to them that them being adopted is a HUGE DEAL. Aka: "HOW DARE YOU SAY SHE ISN'T MY REAL DAUGHTER! AHHH!! GRR!!" goes over a lot worse than "Actually, we don't like that term..she of course is real and very much mine even though I didn't give birth to her."
Be polite and help people understand. Some people have never met adopted kids especially those from other places. and don't mean any harm.

7. There will be difficulties. We are one big happy family but behind that is years of adjustments, tears, laughs, problems, heart breaks. It's easy to forget because these kids are such funny, awesome little cousins but where they are from, for the ones adopted old enough to remember, it doesn't leave them.

When I was babysitting one of the kids and watching a movie. Some disney film or something about parents. and he turned to me and said "I love mommy but why didn't the one who gave birth to me want me? Is there something wrong with me?"

When I was playing hide and seek with all of them and heard SCREAMING and crying, ran over to a small closet and found one of the kids on the ground, crying and in the fetal position. One of the others had playfully pushed him in there to get him to hide.
He can't be in small spaces since the orphanage used to lock him in his crib. Even when he was way too old to even BE in a crib let alone locked in one in the dark for hours and hours and hours.

When the oldest girl comes home crying with a bad grade, not really sad because of the grade but sad because she is scared she isn't good enough to be with us.

Or when one of the eldest boys drops a plate and then cowers crying on the floor like someone was going to beat him.

and that's when it hits you like a freight train.

8. Role models of their race. It's important. Not as important as a well informed, loving family of course. but it does help to know others that look more like them.. to know they aren't weird or odd, just different from their immediate family.
Even for just the physical differences.. things like eyes, hair, skin tone, etc.. I think it's nice that they can have someone to ask these questions and see themselves in.

9. Teach your kids to take it in stride, in humor and in honesty.

People are GOING to ask your kid of asian/AA/any other cultural descent where she is from.
So you might as well give her the confidence to answer truthfully and confidently.

Even if it means them ending up like my little cousin who, despite being OBVIOUSLY asian, always responds with "Florida." and lets people just stand their and squirm before she tells them she was adopted lol
If you freak out every time anyone asks..that will teach your child to have anxiety over it and think it's a scary/bad/loud thing to discuss.

10. Honest to goodness, even with how diverse we all are.. 90% of the time, I really do forget these kids are adopted.

Like, one of them had a hereditary problem and the whole family was like "Where did he get that from? Oh but what about uncle _____ or great aunt _____, oh we should all check for ________"

this went on for like 4 hours before somebody remembered that she was adopted so it wasn't US that passed it down lol
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  #53  
Old 10-12-2012, 08:24 PM
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Can we add this to #4?:

Don't be afraid to punish your child because they are "adopted". My boyfriends family lets his sister get away with murder because she is "adopted". No, just...no.
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  #54  
Old 10-12-2012, 08:25 PM
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Awesome post Fran!
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  #55  
Old 10-12-2012, 08:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran27 View Post
Awesome post Fran!
this!
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  #56  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:06 PM
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I'm on my phone, so I've got to keep it somewhat short.

I've always wanted to adopt, even as a little girl.

When trying to get pregnant for the first time, we went as far as to meet with the fertility doc about IVF, which was going to cost about $12,000 for 3 embryos to be implanted (2 the first round, 1 the second round if the first failed). We also met with a local adoption agency. With legal fees and all the other fees, we were looking at between $29,000 and $40,000 for a domestic adoption. I ended up getting pregnant with Cole almost two years after beginning fertility treatments (we did not do IVF).

To put it simply, we didn't have $29,000, much less $40,000. It really broke my heart.

But if I could adopt tomorrow, and restrictions weren't an issue, I would adopt a little girl from India. I have friends from there, and the stories I've heard of the treatment of infant girls - all young girls, really - is just horrifically heartbreaking. So many of them have no chance of life.
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  #57  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:13 PM
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Why are domestic adoptions so expensive? If someone wants to give up their baby to someone, they can't? Unless that someone spends $40,000? That seems a little ridiculous.


I think it's funny to see this side of adoption, because I've always viewed it from where I would be (if anything, the one giving up a baby, never looking to get one by any means) and I would be so scared that I would find a good family (or NOT be able to find someone?!) and then THEY would back out and not want the baby. Then I'd be stuck with it.
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  #58  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:19 PM
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Well, if anyone on here gets pregnant with a girl and feels adoption is the best option for them, please remember me.
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  #59  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PWCorgi View Post
Why are domestic adoptions so expensive? If someone wants to give up their baby to someone, they can't? Unless that someone spends $40,000? That seems a little ridiculous.


I think it's funny to see this side of adoption, because I've always viewed it from where I would be (if anything, the one giving up a baby, never looking to get one by any means) and I would be so scared that I would find a good family (or NOT be able to find someone?!) and then THEY would back out and not want the baby. Then I'd be stuck with it.
Private adoptions I believe are different. If you find someone you know through the grapevine that is pregnant.. It's not really THAT expensive a process.
but yea, the whole domestic adoption through agencies/government and all is very expensive. Which sucks. I think the whole process needs a re-vamp.

Chances are MUCH HIGHER in this hypothetical that "you"/the birth mother would be the one to back out. It happens all the time. Which is why people tend to shy away from private adoptions (especially after those people have paid your rent, med care, prepared for this baby etc..)

The healthy babies from healthy pregnant educated (no drug/alcohol history) women looking to find adoptive parents from their unborn child (commonly young students.Juno style) ...those, in comparison to kids in foster care for example, go like hotcakes. You can basically take your pick of families. If you go to an agency while still pregnant you can search through a bunch of waiting potential families and take your pick. As well as perks like medical expenses covered etc..

Oh and if you are white? Winner winner chicken dinner.
Sad but true.
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  #60  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:25 PM
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I'm "white" (Danish/Scottish/Cherokee Indian), but I don't care one iota what "color" (race/ethnicity) a child is. A child is a child is a child. They all need parents. They all need acceptance. And they all need love.
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