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Old 09-06-2012, 03:14 AM
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StephyMei1112 StephyMei1112 is offline
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Default My own suicidal thoughts - and what's keeping me alive

Long post - sorry!

To those that have been keeping up with my threads on my friend, Emiley and my family troubles - you will know that I have been under a great level of distress, duress, and difficulties over the past while. What I reveal on here isn't the full of it - I really enjoy these forums and love the exchange of ideas, info, theories, ups-downs, and sometimes just outright silliness and prefer to keep it as much of a "happy" place for myself as I can.

My lifestyle used to be a extremely luxurious one - and I never thought it was good enough; I drove a BMW 650i, slept in the day and worked during nights, partied and clubbed my ass off, shopped at ludicrously expensive designer shops, bed-hopped like there was no tomorrow, took day trips with "friends" to Vegas or NYC for shopping and dining, and splashed my, my boyfriends, and my families money around like nothing. I STILL wasn't satisfied and I was infinitely bratty - I wanted a Lambo instead of a Bimmer, a Cartier watch instead of my Rolex, I didn't want to have to work AT ALL, I wanted a chauffeur, masseuse - I even complained of having to walk more steps than I'd like to to the washroom for a bubble bath in disgustingly expensive salts!. Money dried up for reasons that I'd rather skim over for the moment (personal irresponsibility, bad decisions, decaying family relations, and a turn for the worse in general) - and when the money went; so did the car, the "friends" (only a handful remain), the privileges, the care-freeness, and the material resources needless to say.

I found myself hit hard by this and very frustrated, angry and depressed. I hadn't really found much purpose in life and decided to go bonkers with the material stuff and become a "glam girl". I won't say I had it all because it wasn't true - there were plenty of other girls in my "category" that always seemed to have more money, better looks, sugar daddies, actual daddies with deep pockets, and so on and so forth. But that all put aside though - really, I didn't have anything. I had alot of dead stuff - fashion pieces, a car, some bling etc - but what did I have that actually mattered?

Emiley remained, along with 4 other friends that I am now truly truly truly grateful for and appreciative of. I love all of them dearly and am thankful beyond sentiment for all they have helped me through.

Emii (as I call her) held my hand through all of this and kept especially close though; telling me not to worry, that money was something that could be just as easily earned as it was spent and that I would have my time again, that the superficiality of it all was dangerous anyways - and that indeed, if I kept hanging with that crowd and keeping myself in that bubble - it would eventually lead to more hurt and trouble. Of course she was right; Alot of the kids that I was running with were rich "black society" as we call them in Chinese. Mobsters that dealt in drugs, prostitution, money laundering, and various heinous dealings - things got sticky for abit towards the end but I wriggled myself out of it before more harm could come upon myself or any of my friends or family. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind though that if I had continued along with what and whom I was with - I would have had people dear to me kidnapped or murdered, been in jail myself, or a sex slave/'kept' mob b!tch.

Fast forward to this year - family relations decline, finances get even tighter, the amount of strain/anxiety over things in general but mostly lack of work is incredible - and I don't have the ability to "escape" like I used to - in the time that I need it the most... I have had to face the music/sh!t head on - it hasn't been pleasant and was foreign to me for the longest time. I found myself frustrated, angry, and feeling trapped at everything: the lack of money, the lack of a car (I've had to drag 28 lbs of kibble across 4 city blocks in a rickety metal cart for most this year), the relative lack of space and privacy at home, feeling unhappy about the city/people...and then comes the hugest blow of all. My friend gets suicidal - not just any friend; not a hi-bye friend, not a sex and the city type of brunch & trash talk friend - but a person that is closer to me than my parents, my sibling, my family - or anyone else in the world. She goes thru emotional hell and back and puts alot on me (I'm not complaining) - and then, all of a sudden; she vanishes - leaving me to ponder if she's gone and done the deed or renewed her identity as a Tibetan monk in some temple on a mountain or something.

I've thought - on more than one occasion "I think suicide would be a good option for me too; it's logical. I haven't got anything to fall back on, career's a mess, education is a joke, family isn't worth mentioning, and religion hasn't helped either - what's there left?"

My head turns a corner and I see this mass of white/off white; Katalin is sleeping on the tile, rolling around like a fool, or chasing the errant bug around. Sometimes she walks into the room I am in and lays down, rushes in with a hoodie of mine or some other off-limits object and proceeds to swing it about, or with a tennis ball - flirtatiously keeping it away from me in her jaws but wanting for me to throw it across the hall for her. You see, Hungarian Kuvaszok are bred for predator control, boundary patrol, protection, and estate/livestock guardian skills - not trickery, eagerness to please, Hallmark card bs moments, or totally giving into their people. What you see is what you get - you have to appreciate how they show affection, obedience, and gratitude to you - not the other way around. Such a situation would warrant a more "obvious" dog (yorkie, golden, lab, "lassie" type personality etc) to bound into the room, lick away my tears, and hug me till I felt no more pain. "I love you and you still have me" they might say if they could talk. The Kuvaszok approach to this is barreling through the house with something expensive and fragile in the grips of their jaws and saying "Having a bad day? Hmm, Guess this makes it all for the worse then - you did say for better or for worse now didn't you??"

She challenges me, frustrates me, and pushes me all the time - as a intellectual companion would rather than coddling or giving instant gratification. I ran through two scenarios in my mind about her after my death though - either I would rehome her myself, stringently screening for experienced, suitable homes and owners then going through the whole process of handing her over, checking up on her settling into her new home etc - or she would be left in the care of my family *shudders*. Both were heartbreaking and torturous in themselves - what kind of a irresponsible shmuck of a person would I be? if I had to end my life at least it should have some sense of honor or dignity - I mean to myself; not any sort of outward perception which I don't really care about at this juncture anyways; What honor would I have left to view myself with if I killed myself without seeing through the commitment of a creature as complex as myself and leaving her without guidance, care, and security? The act and even thought of such a thing I found despicable.

Imperial edicts protected dogs outside of palace kennels against abuse, neglect, or misuse of any sort - my family aren't dog people and there are very few that would be able to care for a dog of intellect, independence, defensiveness, and huge size. In older times I would have been flogged under Hungarian royal prerogative for such a act - as I would have deserved rightly. I am not defecting from my "Royal" charge anytime soon - in the most unconventional of conventional sayings: My dog has saved my life.

This doesn't mean I will never feel the urge to go again, nor does it guarantee my happiness - but it is a purpose, a very big and meaningful one at that too - and that is definitely a good start.

I hope no one thinks less of me after I write this - but it is who I am, who I used to be, and what I have experienced - genuinely.

Thank you Katalin - for a purpose, a goal, a responsibility, and a drive - I look forward to many adventures with you. I love you <3 (I've saved you the dignity of not posting the picture of you covered in mud chasing a dragonfly around the trash cans)

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Old 09-06-2012, 03:29 AM
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Romy Romy is offline
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You're incredibly courageous and honest to face everything and speak so plainly.

As far as Katalin, there's something deeply gratifying about earning the respect and regard of such a fierce and independent being. The partnership that's forged is something, I don't know how to describe, but don't need to because you're living it and know what I'm talking about.

I think you'll find happiness and peace. It's probably closer in some ways than you realize.
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Old 09-06-2012, 05:57 AM
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StephyMei1112 StephyMei1112 is offline
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Thanks Romy =)

Indeed - I've had many comments about how she's quite unlike any other dog in appearance, temperament, and personality. LGD's are abit of a handful - but lordy are they ever amazing, amazing dogs <3. You don't get the "Lassie" or Rin Tin Tin stuff from them (usually...) nor are they great at tricks or obey at the snap of a finger - but the companionship, love, relationship, and bond all more than make up for it by hundred-fold.

Well, I figured I've been hiding under so much for so long a time already - where's it really gotten me? I'm a big girl now - I figure it's time to start acting like one =) (or at least try!).

I also wanted to say that by no means am I bragging - I have none of what I mentioned now and am just a poor (financially) average person with a LGD that is trying to turn things around toward a more meaningful, stable, and happy future. Even when I did have all that stuff - I was still very poor; I got off on the vanity of it all then everything turned worthless instantly once any "rival" of mine walked past with something more expensive, limited, rare, or from a more prestigious brand name.

I've learned only not too long ago to really, truly, sink into experiences, people, animals, and life and to soak up and cherish every single bit possible. Food tastes better, air smells sweeter, music sounds clearer, my dog feels softer and smells comforting (except when she's been rolling around in some sort of unfathomable substance); I've learned to cherish my friends - each little smile, laugh, joke, hug I now relish every millisecond of; as well as the bad stuff, the tears, the yelling, the fights, the struggles.... For better or for worse is what they say in wedding vows - that needs to be in the general guidelines for every friendship, relationship, family bond, and bond with a dog/animal. We share good and bad - we try to prevent the bad from ultimately prevailing though.

I'm grateful for the past, thankful I got through the danger, and am trying to strive for the better. It's abit of a rough period right now...but..one day at a time =)
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Feudin' and fightin' and a-fussin,'
That's all that's goin' on with us'n!
We are such neighborly people, peaceful and sweet!
All except when we happen to meet.


Stories, Poetry, and Musings
http://inugami1112.wordpress.com/

"And it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."


"There are those that love dogs insanely and those that don't. But once you like a dog, you're sunk. You're a dog person for life."

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Old 09-06-2012, 10:48 AM
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Renee750il Renee750il is offline
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Stephy -- Kharma and I understand. Somewhat different causal circumstances, but the emotional result, yes.

There have been a series of dogs that kept me here, none of them Lassie types The first time I remember wanting to die to escape it all was about the first grade.
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Old 09-06-2012, 11:00 AM
Fran27 Fran27 is offline
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I get it too. Different circumstances, but same results. It got better though... it just takes time.
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Old 09-06-2012, 01:57 PM
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My dogs have helped me make it through times when I thought I could not go on.

Animals are good like that. Not only do they love you deeply without question, but they also present you with a responsibility to keep you from simply curling up and allowing yourself to wallow.

Life will get better...
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Old 09-06-2012, 09:26 PM
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Nobody who has lived with dogs can confirm that "lassie" actually exists. As much as some people want it, most dogs won't show their affection for us in the form of hugs and kisses, but it doesn't make our bond any less special.

I can relate to you Stephy, different circumstances for me, but similar feelings and ideations and like you, my dog was the reason I sucked it up and stuck it out. Glad I did and glad you did too.
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Old 09-07-2012, 07:00 AM
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StephyMei1112 StephyMei1112 is offline
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Thanks everyone <3

By "lassie" I don't mean by all means perfect lol - but erm...close to that perhaps? xd. A person pleasing, sucky, trick/task performing, super reliant on their person etc. I don't mean to say anything bad about people whom like those types of dogs or those dogs themselves. But they just aren't for me - nor do I think I would be as motivated personally by that sort of a persona than I would from Katalin/the dogs I like.
__________________
Feudin' and fightin' and a-fussin,'
That's all that's goin' on with us'n!
We are such neighborly people, peaceful and sweet!
All except when we happen to meet.


Stories, Poetry, and Musings
http://inugami1112.wordpress.com/

"And it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."


"There are those that love dogs insanely and those that don't. But once you like a dog, you're sunk. You're a dog person for life."

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