Dating someone with kids...

[Shai]

I'm with RTH on this. If the kids are a deal-breaker for YOU or if the possibility that he's going to want to move to be near them at some point is a deal-breaker for you then end it.

If you really think he was hiding something and that bothers you then end it.

Not everyone divulges things immediately. I know I don't. Doesn't mean I'm hiding anything, and I'm certainly not going to keep something that could cause real harm to another. But at the end of the day my business is my own, up to a certain point. Apparently the point where he felt it was important to tell you about this part of his life was now. If you want to make this work but have concerns, talk to him about it. If he's dated anyone else since his divorce he's probably had to answer those questions before...if not well there's no time like the present.

[yoko]

Originally Posted by Shai

I'm with RTH on this. If the kids are a deal-breaker for YOU or if the possibility that he's going to want to move to be near them at some point is a deal-breaker for you then end it.

She doesn't have to worry about that. He's already said his girlfriend comes before his children.

[JessLough]

Originally Posted by ihartgonzo

I feel like withholding the truth is lying, when it's something as huge as having two children... and he just happened to never mention it in 6 weeks? That's a long time. I assume that in those 6 weeks they have talked about each other's lives, past relationships, etc.

So it's the withholding (lying) over a long time about something that you have an issue with?

[Shai]

Originally Posted by yoko

She doesn't have to worry about that. He's already said his girlfriend comes before his children.

And I still say an actual conversation about what was said and what was heard and what was meant should happen before demonizing anyone.

Because you know there are never failures in communication among the human race during moments of stress.

[yoko]

Originally Posted by Shai

And I still say an actual conversation about what was said and what was heard and what was meant should happen before demonizing anyone.

Because you know there are never failures in communication among the human race during moments of stress.

I mean that part which is the main thing I have an issue with seems pretty clear.

Making him constantly repeat it is just setting it up for him to start backpedalling once he realizes that's not what she wanted to hear.

I've always gone with what people say is what they mean. Why constantly push it and question it until he say what you want. That isn't getting the truth that's just them exhibiting appeasement behavior.

[JessLough]

But you don't have the whole conversation.

[Shai]

Originally Posted by JessLough

But you don't have the whole conversation.

She doesn't have to worry about that. She's already made up her mind.

[ihartgonzo]

Originally Posted by JessLough

So it's the withholding (lying) over a long time about something that you have an issue with?

Yes. Especially when it's something that could be a huge deal-breaker for some people, like the OP... it's just wasting their time & toying with their feelings. I assume that he knows that it can be a deal breaker, and that's why he waited so long to tell her. I find it really messed up to wait until some one has invested time and emotions into a relationship to be honest with them about your life. How long do you find it acceptable for a SO to omit the truth about having children? 1 year? Forever?

If me and my boyfriend broke up, I would tell anyone that I dated HAPPILY that I have a kid. I'm not ashamed of it. If they had an issue with that, I don't want either of us to waste our time. I feel like once you have children, anyone you date needs to understand that it's a package deal.

Obviously, this may or may not be an issue for the OP, but she did ask for our opinions and some people are more serious about this than others. We don't know him and can't say anything for sure but we can express what we'd do and how we'd feel. I wouldn't be ok with this situation if I was her... but she shouldn't dump some one based on advice from people on a message board! And she won't, I'm positive of that.

[yoko]

Originally Posted by JessLough

But you don't have the whole conversation.

This is all I really need to know:

he said while it would obvs be ideal, his future wife/gf/whatever would come first, and she would have to be ok with it.

After having a ton of friends in elementary/middleschool/high school with divorced parents and them having to go through only seeing one parent a couple times a year and being constantly hurt that the parent decided to do things that didn't involve them and was fun for the parent instead of being good for the kids I have NO tolerance for anyone not putting their kids first.

No reason for them to not have the kids first and no reason for them to even vocalize that they won't be putting their kids first.

[sparks19]

Forget HIS plans for the future. What sticks out to me is that you say if he had said this from the start you would be out of there but since he almost never sees them it seems ok. I would end it right there. He has children... You woild have ended it if you knew before bit since they aren't around it is OK but that could change in an instant.

If you don't want to be a step mom
And deal with his kids full time then end it. You are doing a disservice to both of you by going along as long as the kids are on the other side of the country.

At least be honest with him that you would have been out of there by day one if you knew he had kids and that you are not willing to be a step mother.