Dating someone with kids...

[yoko]

Originally Posted by release the hounds

what if that was the TRUTH. Ideally, he'd probably would have liked his wife to not up an dleave to another state and take his kids. In an ideal world, he proably wishes he never marriead someone he was going to divorce, but **** happens.

Ideally, he'd probably like to live right next door to his kids, but life isn't really allowing it. His ex took them across the country. he has a life as well, and a job and maybe their whole arrangement works pretty dang well for everyone involved?

maybe someday if his job can transfer it might be an option, maybe that will be 10 years from now, maybe never. maybe they move backnear him, maybe all sorts of things happen between now and then, maybe he is able to realize that someday if that possibility should arrise, he'd be considerate enough to take into account the feelings of whomever he was involved with, if involved to a level that would require a joint decision. Adults can do those sorts of things

Or he's saying what he thinks she wants to hear.

And I know people have already disagreed but gah a month and a half? I get not telling the first date but after a week or two I'd think a giant life affecting incident like having kids would have been brought up.

I have quite a few friends who are parents who are VERY open about having kids. Right from the start. It's a deal breaker for a lot of people so why waste their time? And why waste your time with someone who thinks something that is going to be a part of your life for the rest of your life is a deal breaker?

[darkchild16]

Originally Posted by release the hounds

what if that was the TRUTH. Ideally, he'd probably would have liked his wife to not up an dleave to another state and take his kids. In an ideal world, he proably wishes he never marriead someone he was going to divorce, but **** happens.

Ideally, he'd probably like to live right next door to his kids, but life isn't really allowing it. His ex took them across the country. he has a life as well, and a job and maybe their whole arrangement works pretty dang well for everyone involved?

maybe someday if his job can transfer it might be an option, maybe that will be 10 years from now, maybe never. maybe they move backnear him, maybe all sorts of things happen between now and then, maybe he is able to realize that someday if that possibility should arrise, he'd be considerate enough to take into account the feelings of whomever he was involved with, if involved to a level that would require a joint decision. Adults can do those sorts of things

One how do you know she up and left? Making her out to be this horrible person for up and taking the kids across the country without him.. For all we know they lived there together and he left. OR they both left the area they lived together.

The point is when kids are concernedin a realtionship its best to tell your ideal overall so that the other person knows exactly what would happen if put in that position. Kids throw a whole lot of something else in the mixespecially when it has to do with things like the oppourtunity to move or not.

[CaliTerp07]

I don't think him living across the country from his kids is a deal breaker. You don't know the whole situation yet. Maybe they're in some small podunk place where there is no job market and him moving there would be a waste of time. Maybe his wife just up and left and he's in the process of figuring out if moving out there is a permanent thing or just a temporary one. Maybe this is for the best. Who knows? I'd want to know the whole story before making judgement on the situation.

The part that scares me is that it took a month and a half to come out that he had kids and an ex wife. DH and I discussed former relationships on our second date.

I am a big, big proponent of dating people of a similar age and similar stage of life. No way would I want to have a serious relationship with someone who had already done all those things without me.

[Renee750il]

Originally Posted by release the hounds

why? some courts are still so slanted just because someone has a vagina and maybe he realized long ago, he's not getting any more placement. Maybe they fought enough about placement and they have something between himself, his ex and the kids and it works. who knows the reasons, but if he's not living in Cali now why couldn't where his future wife wants to live be a consideration?

it would be different if he had 50/50 and was like hey, i like you, let's move across the country, I don't care to see my kids anyway. But that's not the case here, at least it doesn't appear to be.

Other than that a month and half is cool, but there's still so much to learn about someone. If kids are a deal breaker, then i'd just end it. if not, then see where it goes. It's not like everything ever goes according to plan anyway in life.

Originally Posted by release the hounds

I think people are reading way too much into things. He knows a girl he likes for a month and half. He likes her. He probably likes his job too, is able to care for his kids, maybe they have a great set up like it is, we don't know any of the details about his situation with his kids. It could be perfect for them and everyone, himself, mom and kids love it.

he's obviously taking his time in doing things. Some don't bring up kids the first date, because maybe some aren't even worth mentioning to that you have kids. and it's not a discussion that needs to be made from day one, and if it is for you, then ask. ( not you Dreez, just you in general)

the girl he likes asks if he wants to move a few states away, his reaction was probably, I don't have immediate plans to do so, i do like my kids, but life can take all sorts of twists and turns before that is even an option, so what is least likely to turn this girl off that I like??? so he probably said what would make it seem like he had her in mind with any future decisions

Originally Posted by release the hounds

what if that was the TRUTH. Ideally, he'd probably would have liked his wife to not up an dleave to another state and take his kids. In an ideal world, he proably wishes he never married someone he was going to divorce, but **** happens.

Ideally, he'd probably like to live right next door to his kids, but life isn't really allowing it. His ex took them across the country. he has a life as well, and a job and maybe their whole arrangement works pretty dang well for everyone involved?

maybe someday if his job can transfer it might be an option, maybe that will be 10 years from now, maybe never. maybe they move backnear him, maybe all sorts of things happen between now and then, maybe he is able to realize that someday if that possibility should arrise, he'd be considerate enough to take into account the feelings of whomever he was involved with, if involved to a level that would require a joint decision. Adults can do those sorts of things

Pretty good summation.

Chill out. See where things go if you like him and are enjoying time together. It's not like he's asked you to marry him already.

[ihartgonzo]

I think it really depends on how much you like the guy, how willing you are to be a Stepmom, and how you feel about his parenting in general... to me it sounds like he's not that great of a Dad. :/ No offense - but for some one to hide from you for 1 1/2 months the fact that he has 2 kids - effectively lying and wasting your time, they cannot be a proud, involved parent. I get it. It's HARD to date when you have kids. It's HARD to find some one who accepts that. But that does not make it ok to lie. That would repel me from wanting to be with some one, the shame about having kids in general. It's not something I look for in a serious boyfriend.

I went on ONE date with this guy, who I really liked and still do! He was attractive, charming, smart and very successful. We talked for like 5 hours into the night, and I was like "Wow you're 26 and awesome. How do you not have a wife? Or kids?" And he just shrugged it off, saying he doesn't know, that's just how it is. I tried to add him on facebook and he wouldn't add me. Then through a mutual friend I saw that he had 2 kids. I told him he needs to stop denying & being ashamed of his adorable children... that's not fair to his kids OR to me! I'm still friends with him and we talk occasionally, but I'm not interested in dating some one who lies that easily about something so big.

I can't judge your new BF though! He might be great. I dated a guy who was a groomer where I worked, and he was an awesome Dad. We were both 22 at the time, and he had 2 children by his ex wife. He got married when he was 18 and went into the military... he made poor choices, like everyone does when they're young. That didn't change the fact that he's an awesome person, who could still have fun and be young, while also being a great parent. I knew about his kids the first day I met him and I loved that he was proud of them and took responsibility for them. I never wanted to be a Stepmom, but he didn't force me to hang out with the kids, he let me choose. It's actually really nice to be able to spoil kids and be their favorite without having to do all the hard work. I wouldn't have built a relationship with him or his kids if I didn't love him and he wasn't worth it to me. It is a big change for a young person, so don't feel bad if you don't want to deal with getting involved with a parent! And keep in mind that if he's hidden something that important from you, what else could he be hiding?

[JessLough]

Am I the only one that realizes the irony of the way this thread has gone? XD REALLY?


Dreeza, if it's not a deal breaker for you right now, and you like him thus far, just chill out and go with it. It's not like he's expecting you to meet his kids and suddenly become a mother to them. I don't think he was hiding the fact... you said you were taking it slow, so he probably wanted to give you a chance to know HIM before adding kids to a mix.

ETA:

but for some one to hide from you for 1 1/2 months the fact that he has 2 kids - effectively lying and wasting your time

Where did he say he doesn't have kids?

[ihartgonzo]

I feel like withholding the truth is lying, when it's something as huge as having two children... and he just happened to never mention it in 6 weeks? That's a long time. I assume that in those 6 weeks they have talked about each other's lives, past relationships, etc.

[sillysally]

Originally Posted by JessLough

Am I the only one that realizes the irony of the way this thread has gone? XD REALLY?


Dreeza, if it's not a deal breaker for you right now, and you like him thus far, just chill out and go with it. It's not like he's expecting you to meet his kids and suddenly become a mother to them. I don't think he was hiding the fact... you said you were taking it slow, so he probably wanted to give you a chance to know HIM before adding kids to a mix.

ETA:


Where did he say he doesn't have kids?

[Renee750il]

Simple. ASK him why he didn't talk about his kids until now.

[yoko]

Originally Posted by ihartgonzo

I feel like withholding the truth is lying, when it's something as huge as having two children... and he just happened to never mention it in 6 weeks? That's a long time. I assume that in those 6 weeks they have talked about each other's lives, past relationships, etc.

This

Not telling someone you only do laundry 2 times a month? Ok with hold that info.

Not telling someone you wear crocs in public? Ok don't mention it.

You have fathered two children and therefore have two lives you are a part of for the rest of your life. Maybe you should mention it.