Dating someone with kids...

[Dreeza]

Hey guys,

I know I don't come on often anymore, but I could really use some advice, as I just don't know anyone knowledgeable to ask in this situation...

I've been dating a guy for about 1.5 months...and we've been taking things pretty slow. Today he dropped the bomb that he was previously married for 7 years & has 3 kids.

I'm 26...he is 32.

Had he told me that on the first date, it woulda ended there. Not cause of the marriage...but because of the kids.

He DOES want to get married again & does want more kids. he has a good relationship with the kids, but really doesn't see them much (they come for about 4 wks in the summer & sometimes spring break), but they live in Cali now.

Minus the kids, I have no reservations about the guy. He is willing to answer any q's i have, but I honestly don't even know what ones to ask.

My biggest one was if he wants to move to Cali to be closer, and he said while it would obvs be ideal, his future wife/gf/whatever would come first, and she would have to be ok with it. I think he obvs wants someone who will be involved with the kids when they are around, but they have a mom & are about to get a step-dad, so it doesn't seem like he is looking for a new mom for them or anything.

This is something sooooo outta my realm. I'm still absorbing it. I overanalyze the crap outta things, but I'm like at a loss here.

Right now, since the kids are so far away, its kinda like 'whatever', but I dont know if there are other big things I should be thinkng about that are just not occurring to me.

help?

[Greenmagick]

Originally Posted by Dreeza

My biggest one was if he wants to move to Cali to be closer, and he said while it would obvs be ideal, his future wife/gf/whatever would come first,

help?

The above really bothers me...sorry, the children should come first.

I think at a certain point/age the chance of not having children is going to go down.

[darkchild16]

^^^ That. Jeremy and I both had kids when we met and BOTH kids came first in any choice we made.

If hes going to put a wife or girlfriend above his kids I would be second geussing myself even without my own kids honestly.

[~Dixie's_Mom~]

Personally, it would bother me that he didn't say anything sooner. But I have no clue how I would react to the whole thing, tbh. My gut says I would have to break it off but I don't know. I'm only 20 so the idea is a bit scarier to me. I'd have to know the guy, which I don't, to really make a judgement.

[yoko]

Originally Posted by Greenmagick

The above really bothers me...sorry, the children should come first.

I think at a certain point/age the chance of not having children is going to go down.

Same here.

The kids should ALWAYS BE FIRST. I don't care if you are soul mates who have a romantic movie connection. He has kids they should be first. If he isn't making it obvious they are first I'd question if he has his priorities straight.

That being said...

Once I know a guy has kids I'm gone. Especially if he's been hiding it.

[Dreeza]

def see what you guys are saying, but I think in this case his kids are well cared for & he trusts them with the mom. Im sure if it was their actual wellbeing, that would be diff. she up & moved across the country without him, so I don't really think he should quit his job & move cross country to be by his ex wife.

Oh, and he is looking for someone to date that is willing to be a 'step mom'. If I said I wanted to keep dating him but didnt want anything to do with the kids, I think he would break up with me

[yoko]

Originally Posted by Dreeza

def see what you guys are saying, but I think in this case his kids are well cared for & he trusts them with the mom. Im sure if it was their actual wellbeing, that would be diff. she up & moved across the country without him, so I don't really think he should quit his job & move cross country to be by his ex wife.

For me doesn't matter they need to be first. Period.

Even if they are in good hands he needs to be there putting them first too. He helped make them he needs to have constant responsibility for them.

[release the hounds]

why? some courts are still so slanted just because someone has a vagina and maybe he realized long ago, he's not getting any more placement. Maybe they fought enough about placement and they have something between himself, his ex and the kids and it works. who knows the reasons, but if he's not living in Cali now why couldn't where his future wife wants to live be a consideration?

it would be different if he had 50/50 and was like hey, i like you, let's move across the country, I don't care to see my kids anyway. But that's not the case here, at least it doesn't appear to be.

Other than that a month and half is cool, but there's still so much to learn about someone. If kids are a deal breaker, then i'd just end it. if not, then see where it goes. It's not like everything ever goes according to plan anyway in life.

[darkchild16]

Because its not just about moving. Its overall the kids need to be number 1. What if he has to up and leave for a medical reason and his new wife or girlfriend doesnt want him to? Is that ok because its not in the court document?

[yoko]

Originally Posted by release the hounds

why? some courts are still so slanted just because someone has a vagina and maybe he realized long ago, he's not getting any more placement. Maybe they fought enough about placement and they have something between himself, his ex and the kids and it works. who knows the reasons, but if he's not living in Cali now why couldn't where his future wife wants to live be a consideration?

it would be different if he had 50/50 and was like hey, i like you, let's move across the country, I don't care to see my kids anyway. But that's not the case here, at least it doesn't appear to be.

Other than that a month and half is cool, but there's still so much to learn about someone. If kids are a deal breaker, then i'd just end it. if not, then see where it goes. It's not like everything ever goes according to plan anyway in life.

Because this:

My biggest one was if he wants to move to Cali to be closer, and he said while it would obvs be ideal, his future wife/gf/whatever would come first, and she would have to be ok with it. I think he obvs wants someone who will be involved with the kids when they are around, but they have a mom & are about to get a step-dad, so it doesn't seem like he is looking for a new mom for them or anything.

Doesn't say that. It says 'yeah I guess I could move closer to my children who I should be doing MY ALL to have an active constant role in their life. But being with someone 'my age' who wants to do fun stuff seems easier/more fun'.

At least that's how it seems to me.