What do you do when a toxic person relies on you?

[Samantha's pet]

Originally Posted by -bogart-

not a group home , i mean an apartment type setting. if not i understand.

i have unfortunatly had some just plain old mad at the world people in my family also . it is hard to deal with them.


is she on any new meds? i know meds can effect mood and attitude alot. can your mom maybe talk to her doctor about this and see if they can come up with a way to tranq her up.

Well, she the meds they have been giving her make her so tired so they are messing around with that to get her something that works for her. IDK, they are just trying to get her on something that controls her BP and doesn't make her tired/nauseous.

[Dizzy]

Sadly as some people age, they get nasty. Add to that the fact she is grieving (and that can make you bonkers). Then factor in her lack of independence. For my Gran that has been THE hardest thing to cope with. You can kind of see why she's cranky.

If she can't care for herself, can't you look for some personal care for her? Someone outside the family to go to hers at set times to help her with tasks.

She may need to address her apparent mental health difficulties, so a doctor appointment might be in order. She could have early onset of dementia too - that can make you nasty. She sounds depressed.

I echo what cooper and hogart say too - its your mum's choice to care, and maybe she needs carers support.

[Samantha's pet]

Originally Posted by Dizzy

Sadly as some people age, they get nasty. Add to that the fact she is grieving (and that can make you bonkers). Then factor in her lack of independence. For my Gran that has been THE hardest thing to cope with. You can kind of see why she's cranky.

If she can't care for herself, can't you look for some personal care for her? Someone outside the family to go to hers at set times to help her with tasks.

She may need to address her apparent mental health difficulties, so a doctor appointment might be in order. She could have early onset of dementia too - that can make you nasty. She sounds depressed.

I echo what cooper and hogart say too - its your mum's choice to care, and maybe she needs carers support.

She is able to physically care for herself, drive, etc. She just doesn't want to be alone, which is fine, it's just her negativity that's the problem. No dementia. She has been to every Doc recently except a psychologist to address her BP issues. My mother has openly expressed that she can't go on with this current arrangement much longer and has asked me for solutions. I guess my grandmother is just going to have to move in with them.

It is beyond cranky. She is just so bitter. At this rate she is going to waste all of her remaining years being bitter and miserable. That's hard to watch and sad, especially when she is bringing the rest of my family down, too. My mom has been through so much, too. She deserves to be allowed to live her life and be happy. Every time she tries to do something fun and joyful my grandmother lays on the guilt. Apparently when loved ones die we all have to stop living.

[Jules]

Honestly, if your grandfather just passed away last November, she might still be grieving. And she might know how to grieve. When my grandpa passed away, my grandma was completely different... Yes, negative and bitter, and she was just not the person she usually is. I would just try abd get her to a support group maybe?

[Renee750il]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, Sam. I so understand. Your grand sounds just like my mother, except mom has been this way my whole life, so I can tell you it never gets any easier to deal with -- you just have to find ways to tune her out yourself.

If she won't go to some therapy (like my mom, who went a few times and left, angry because the therapists didn't agree with her that there was nothing wrong with her, it was everyone else), then see about going yourself, just to learn some coping skills.

The older we get, the more ourselves we become.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

[puppydog]

November is a very short time ago. If I lost the love of my life 5 months ago I would be pretty darn bitter. I echo Dizzy with depression and I would speak to her Dr about that.

[Samantha's pet]

Thanks, Renee, and puppydog. I definitely agree that she is depressed. Losing my cousin was harder for her than my Grandfather but she has been this way for a long time. Before either of those things happened. My grandfather was very disabled so this wasn't out of no where. The losses just made it worse and the fact that we are around her more. We just really need a more permanent solution, as my mother cannot keep spending the night over there and she has to be able to live her life and go out of town when she wants to, do stuff for herself, etc. I think the best thing would be to get my grandmother in therapy, have her move in with them, and try to get her some friends/hobbies. I really am afraid she will quit therapy as soon as they point out that she has problems with being negative. She is in denial about that and gets super nasty and defensive if someone even hints that she is a negative person.

Again, no one can understand how she is until you are around her. I know she is grieving but it's not okay. The way she acts is not healthy grieving and if we don't get her out of this way of thinking she will just get worse and more bitter. Especially since she was this was before. She has to at least start picking up the pieces and trying to look to the future. It's time to start thinking of a permanent solution to not wanting to stay home alone overnight. People going over there was a temporary solution that was supposed to last a few weeks. It's just time for her and everyone else to start figuring out what the new normal is going to be and find a situation that everyone can live with.

[puppydog]

Agreed. People like this are very difficult to be around. Its going to come down to putting your foot down, which is hard when family is involved.

I think in your situation you have to do what is right for you, not your mother or grandmother. Each person in this situation is an adult. You are just going to stress yourself to death if you take it on.