flatmate dilemma

[yoko]

Originally Posted by monkeys23

I don't see the big deal. She sounds like an ocd reclusive weirdo to me. I don't think I'd want to live with that. And I rarely have people/bf over!

I don't know I don't think wanting a week without visitors makes you an OCD weirdo.

[GoingNowhere]

Off topic, but I always thought you were a guy.

haha, no. Like I said, I try to keep any and all personal things offline and I guess it was working! But I just really wanted some input from non-associated people.

With your friends coming over so often is there maybe someone else's house you guys could go to? Or alternate so it's not just your house every other day?

Yep, that's pretty much what has happened. Honestly, it wasn't that there were "people" in the plural over all the time. More that the boyfriend was over pretty much every day, I may have had one other friend over two or three times, and one weekend day I had four people over (studying no less ) which is what seemed to be the straw that broke the camels back for issue #1. That's why this was never an issue before the boyfriend came into the picture - because I really don't have tons of people over all the time.

But, yeah, lately we've been spending all weekends at other friend's places. So in that regard, I'm really alright with the every other day scenario. It doesn't interfere with my social schedule much except for with the boyfriend. Despite how it may sound, I'm not an extremely extroverted person... I think I'm just significantly more extroverted than my roommate. It's the overnights that are more frustrating because there's no other place to go.

In every other respect we're perfect roommates and we're good friends too, which is nice, but it makes it hard to try to balance the issues while making everyone happy and keeping up all of the interpersonal relationships.

[GoingNowhere]

Originally Posted by Greenmagick

I dont know.....honestly, having a bf spend the night "can" cross the line. Some people are not comfortable with men/boys in the house during down time. I understand you say she doesnt see him, but that may be because she is uncomfortable. And the rent, well, I know of some people who basically had their bf living with them and rent does become an issue. Not saying this is your case, but she may be worried about it.

I totally understand your side too though. I dont think either one is wrong or right but that you just arent good roomate matches.

Yep, I totally get that. She hasn't done anything wrong at all. Of course, in my opinion, neither have I. And I think we've handled the situation better than most college students would. There hasn't been a single argument or any passive aggressiveness throughout this whole thing, just some sit-down discussion. I even called up a friend with a similar personality to my roommate to try to hear her take on it, which was helpful. I guess I'm just feeling a bit smothered by the "house rules" so to speak. It's hard.

[Fran101]

I had rules that like this.. when I was sharing a room in a dorm! I think, if sharing bedrooms, that kind of policy is fair because ya, it's shared space.. and there is nowhere for you to go when guys are sleeping over

but I WOULD NEVER deal with this with a apartment-mate and frankly, I don't think you should have to. If she wanted this kind of rule, she should've mentioned it before you moved in.
and to keep throwing rules like that out.. it's crazy. The only person placing that many house rules should be your parents lol

Otherwise, unless it is DIRECTLY affecting her. AKA: You are being loud and she can't sleep. Your friends are pestering her. He eats all the food. Sex loud enough to shake the house etc.. then she should suck it up.

I think it is absolutely ridiculous!!

I would ask her why and talk to her about it and find out what her problem is. perhaps a solution can be reached if you just find out what her issue about it is.

but if its just the idea of having people around, even when they aren't loud/in her room/space.. the girl needs help and I would run. fast.

[Laurelin]

I can kind of see where she's coming from.... I'm not a complete introvert in that I go out at least 3-4 times a week but I dont' much like having people stay in my space. So I can see how it would be frustrating to her to have people over all the time. I find it frustrating at times, especially the brief period when I moved back home with my family. My sisters are 18 and 19 and it seemed like almost every other day they'd have at least 3 up to a dozen loud and obnoxious teenage friends over. I like peace and quiet and it was annoying to have to deal with their friends. Then again their friends were annoying and some were destructive towards our belongings and disrespectful, which was the REAL problem I had with them being around all the time.

I didn't have too many problems with my room mates and them bringing friends over. I was friends with their friends and the friends we had were good and respectful. I did have some issues with my roomies BF being over all the time mainly because he practically lived with us 5 or 6 days of the week. He'd be over when she wasn't there and it would be awkward because he never talked to us (me and the third roomie). I felt like he should help pay the utilities since he was using the water and such as much as we were. If that issue had been fixed, I wouldn't have had a problem.

I do agree with Fran though that the rules should have been made

[joce]

If someone is staying I've more than a couple nights a week then it's like another roommate. I can see why she would be frustrated. Also why I don't do roommates. Occasional friends are ok but if it's every night or every other night it just seems like a lot to me,no? I mean this is both of your homes. Probably should have been addressed before moving in.

How much longer is the lease?

[GoingNowhere]

Yeah, in an ideal situation it would've been discussed earlier, but it was more than a year ago when we first discussed rooming together and about a year ago that we first signed the contract for this (academic) year (at which point the boyfriend was not yet in the picture). It was just one of those things that wasn't discussed because it wasn't applicable at the time and so neither of us even thought to bring it up.

The lease is signed for the duration of this year and then the next, so it's something that we have to work through for sure. Honestly, like I mentioned, with regard to our cleanliness, our work ethic, our use of space, our sleep habits (for the most part), rent payments, and other factors that often seem to cause issues between roommates, we match up well. Never before this point had I even briefly thought that I didn't like my living situation. It's just this, but frustrating as it may be, I do know that it's workable. And on a positive note, boyfriend will have his own room in an apartment next year with a flatmate that I'm also friends with (and is much more chill as guys often seem to be!), so this should be a moot point in the near future!

Actually hearing these differing opinions is making me feel better. As weird as it may sound, it's nice to hear the differing thoughts and opinions. I appreciate that some of you see my side while some of you are helping me to accept the compromise by keeping me from thinking that I got the short end of the stick with regard to our negotiation.

[RD]

As a complete introvert I can sort of see where she's coming from, but honestly? If she needs privacy so badly, she might be more comfortable with getting her own, smaller place. Sounds like you guys just don't see eye to eye, and I don't think either one of you is especially in the wrong.

It might be awkward with him sleeping over because she's known him for a long time, I dunno. Maybe you guys could work something out, or you could stay at his place sometimes instead of him coming over to yours all the time?

[Dizzy]

I know that in my previous house I hated my housemates boyfriend there all the time.

I liked him, but I constantly felt like a 3rd wheel. I didn't want to sit in a small space with them 2 and me. I didn't sign up for that when I moved in.

I imagine they'd also say I never saw him, because I too hid myself away. And I am not introverted and have a boyfriend!! It's actually no fun hiding in your room to avoid a situation you can't be bothered with.

On the flip side I couldn't give a flying fig if my new housemates boyfriend comes over, but that is possibly because we have a lot more in common and they don't make me feel like a 3rd wheel. And I was involved in them getting together lol.

Maybe you 2 don't fit as roomies.