*vent* So I'll probably never be able to have kids
I went to the gyno because something was "off" in the girly world..
I won't bore you with the details but let's just say my ovaries are basically a mess and aren't doing their jobs so the doctors say I am pretty infertile.
It's so weird. I am 20 years old.. I don't have a boyfriend and frankly, I wasn't even 100% sure I ever wanted kids
but now that there is a 99% chance I'll never have them.. it's weird. I don't know how to feel about it. It's not like I'm LOSING anything, so I don't know why I feel so weird.. it's just like losing.. a potential something.
I dunno, I never "awwed" at babies... but I did think about names and reading harry potter to them and fairy castle bedrooms and.. just.. I dunno. parent stuff.
No idea why I am making this thread. Probably to give me courage to tell my mom. or anybody.
I feel so..damaged. Like I am the girl version of a used car that doesn't work right and nobody wants to buy.
and that, as silly as it is, is one of my biggest issue with all this. Having to tell future boyfriends that no, the white picket fence golden retriever 2 kids life is something I will never be able to give them.
And of course the other half of me that is screaming "WHY ME?!" of all the 20 years old that would grow up and be unfit parents.. I feel like I am certainly not the worst!
I like story books, I like laser tag, I cut the crusts off my sandwiches, I get good grades, I go to all my little cousins ballet recitals and sports games, I know Goodnight Moon and the Little Prince basically by heart, I play dress up, I kiss booboos.. Sure I can be immature and selfish sometimes, but when I got older.. I think if I made the decision to have kids, I would've been a good mom. and I think I would've done a pretty good job raising the next generation! I HAVE GOOD BONE STRUCTURE!
and I know there is always adoption and whatever.. but still.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I had it in my head for most of my life that I didn't want kids. the world is over populated, they are sticky, they put a strain on relationships..
and now all I can think about is being the crazy cat lady who dies alone and whose body is found 2 months later half eaten by my cats by my landlord coming to collect rent all because nobody wanted to marry the girl who couldn't have kids.
but the right guy will love me for more than my reproductive abilities.. right?...
Ugh. Vent over.