What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

[Doberluv]

Oh woops...these aren't all dog jokes. Oh well.

[4dogs3cats]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets. Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

"Stay the F*** away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking!"

[4dogs3cats]

Originally Posted by Doberluv

That's hilarious!!!!!

I laugh EVERY time I read that one lol

[4dogs3cats]

Okay this one is really long, but it is HILLARIOUS. Like.. dont drink any fluids whilst reading this, especially the end. And if you do drink liquids and end up spitting them all over your computer screen, please do not say I didn't warn you.

Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"I'm serious Dad, can you help?"

I put on my best lizard healer face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute.

"She's having babies."

"What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how could that be?

I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" She inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kid's, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"

I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" They shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noticed.

"It's breech!" My wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" My son urged.

"Ok, ok." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his Mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for god's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor, in fact that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they umm...umm... pleasure themselves. Just the way he did lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well you know what I mean Mr. Cameron."

We were silent absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," replied the vet, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Than my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And than even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing

"It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on it's.. it's... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad." He told me.

"Oh you have no idea," I replied.

Close mouthed, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

1.) Lizards - $140...

2.) Cage - $50...

3.) Trip to the vet - $30

4.) Memory of your husband pulling on your lizards winkle.... Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology - lizards lay eggs.

[Izzy's Valkyrie]

I thought this was originally about a hamster which is actually more believable since reptiles don't really stick out their hemipenes without provocation. Ask sizzle, I'm positive they're not really pleasure driven fiends lol.

[4dogs3cats]

Originally Posted by Izzy's Valkyrie

I thought this was originally about a hamster which is actually more believable since reptiles don't really stick out their hemipenes without provocation. Ask sizzle, I'm positive they're not really pleasure driven fiends lol.

hmmm. But its funny as a lizard too though! lol

[Dakotah]

at the Lizard one.

[LauraLeigh]

Originally Posted by doberluv

heh, heh, heh..those are funny.

Here's one....can't recall if it's the funniest i ever heard but this was passed around when i worked as a pharmacy tech several years ago. We got all kinds of phamacist related jokes faxed to us.


A young man in his late teens walks into a pharmacy looking for condoms for himself and his rather new girl friend. He is confused as to which ones to buy so asks the pharmacist for help, which he gets, says, "thank you" and leaves the store.

Later that night, he and his girlfriend are invited to go to her parent's home for dinner. As they sit down at the table, they bow their heads and fold their hands for grace. Ater grace is over, the family all begins eating. But the young man, the boyfriend of the daugher continues to bow his head very deeply and doesn't eat.

The girl friend says, "honey, i didn't know you were so religious." and the boy friend says, "i didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

omg...... Lmao:d

[dimitrisrblue]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

via funny-city.com

[bubbatd]

What's black and white and blue all over ? ~~~~ A Nun after falling down stairs .