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  #1  
Old 03-22-2008, 04:38 PM
ek9 ek9 is offline
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Default What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

I don't know if it's the funniest, but it's pretty funny lol

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
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Old 10-08-2008, 04:09 AM
arnold2008 arnold2008 is offline
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Default What's the funniest joke you've ever heard?

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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  #3  
Old 10-08-2008, 06:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ek9 View Post
I don't know if it's the funniest, but it's pretty funny lol

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."
That made me laugh.
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Old 10-10-2008, 05:32 PM
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I love both of those jokes!!! Any more people?
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Old 10-10-2008, 05:44 PM
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O.k. not the funniest joke but hey its a GUY blond joke for once! And it was entertaining I suppose, I just got the email.

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the
wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building..

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned
beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch,
I'm going to jump off
this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
'Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'


The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again!
If I get a bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped,
too.



The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
said, 'If I'd known how
really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it
to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could
have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so
much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The
blonde's wife said,

'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.
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  #6  
Old 02-09-2009, 12:14 PM
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I fail to see the humor in that last one.....

Am I missing something?

ETA- now that its removed.... never mind.. Now the actual last one IS funny lol
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Last edited by 4dogs3cats; 02-09-2009 at 12:30 PM.
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  #7  
Old 02-09-2009, 12:29 PM
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CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
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  #8  
Old 02-09-2009, 12:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 4dogs3cats View Post
CURTAIN RODS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
That's hilarious!!!!!
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  #9  
Old 02-09-2009, 01:03 PM
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4dogs3cats 4dogs3cats is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doberluv View Post
That's hilarious!!!!!
I laugh EVERY time I read that one lol
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  #10  
Old 02-09-2009, 01:07 PM
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Okay this one is really long, but it is HILLARIOUS. Like.. dont drink any fluids whilst reading this, especially the end. And if you do drink liquids and end up spitting them all over your computer screen, please do not say I didn't warn you.

Quote:
Lizard Birthing

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out loud.

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

"I'm serious Dad, can you help?"

I put on my best lizard healer face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute.

"She's having babies."

"What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how could that be?

I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" She inquired.

(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kid's, this is going to be a wondrous experience,"

I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" They shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noticed.

"It's breech!" My wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" My son urged.

"Ok, ok." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his Mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for god's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor, in fact that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.

You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they umm...umm... pleasure themselves. Just the way he did lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well you know what I mean Mr. Cameron."

We were silent absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," replied the vet, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Than my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And than even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing

"It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on it's.. it's... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad." He told me.

"Oh you have no idea," I replied.

Close mouthed, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

1.) Lizards - $140...

2.) Cage - $50...

3.) Trip to the vet - $30

4.) Memory of your husband pulling on your lizards winkle.... Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology - lizards lay eggs.
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"Be it through intention or ignorance, our successes and our failures have been brought on by none other than ourselves." The art of racing in the rain.
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