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Old 02-27-2012, 10:46 AM
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Default Need to vent, going through some bad times.

Not sure if anyone remembers, but about two years ago (the anniversary is coming up in June) my dad was in a horrible motorcycle accident. He broke a lot of bones, shattered his pelvis, punctured his bladder and a kidney, and lost an eye due to a staph infection that he is trying to sue the rehab place for because they didn't properly take care of him. His body healed horribly, and he can barely hold himself up to walk; he told me last night he couldn't even make it to the bathroom, so he just sat in his own urine, because he couldn't do anything else. His medicare won't even cover an MRI on his knee and hip, which are both bad enough that he can't stand without falling and further injuring himself, so he has to wait for someone to take him to the VA hospital because they're the only ones that will see him, he can't afford anything else and he's been trying to find a way to get there for days, and has been waiting on an MRI for months.

I talked to him this morning, he said some days he doesn't want to live. I called him because last night I sat up for about four hours just crying, I just felt like something was wrong. I feel bad, but sometimes I avoid calling him, and I know I do it because I just know when I talk to him and ask him how things are going, he will let me know something else is wrong. He tells me not to worry but how can I not? If he wanted to go, he has way more than enough narcotics to do it. My mom says she doesn't think he will, and that it's just something he's going through and not to worry, but it's hard. I don't think he'll do it either, I think he's stronger than that, but what do I really know? I can't tell what he's thinking or feeling beyond what I can hear in his voice and what he tells me. And I can't blame him. He can't do the things he used to do. Motorcycles were his life; it might sound terrible but it it never bothered me when he put his love of motorcycles on level with his love for me, I never saw an issue with it and I don't feel I suffered for it despite what my grandmother tries to tell me (I don't talk to her often because I hate hearing her talk like my dad brought this on himself, as if he deserved it and how he should've been a better father...why would you say something like that to me? )

I worry that he won't have anyone to take care of him. That maybe I made a mistake in not going home. It makes me feel like a crappy daughter that I'm not there taking care of him. We're supposed to take care of our parents, right? He can't move here, and as bad as it sounds, and as much as I love and miss him and wish I could take care of him, I know that if I went back to do it, I'd have NO clue as to what to do. I hate admitting this, but I know it wouldn't make me happy to go back there. Other than my family, I hate everything about that place. I have no one there but family, and I know that might sound bad, but I am able to admit to myself that I am no caregiver, and at least with my uncle with him, if he falls someone can pick him up. What would I do if he fell? I'm 110 pounds, there's no way I can lift him up, and when he falls, it is just dead weight, he can't lift himself up, he doesn't have the strength and his muscles are deteriorating rapidly.

And I feel like it's wrong to say that leaving Ryan behind would kill me. He's been the one thing in my life in the past few years that's really made me feel happy and I'd hate to lose that to distance again. I'm not sure it would work out.

To top it all off, my mom is going through a horrible bought of agoraphobia and depression. She's battled this her whole life, but it's affecting her marriage. She doesn't want to go out for their anniversary. My stepdad wants to take her to Hawaii with him, and she won't go. She won't shower, or get out of bed. She left the house a few days ago to get groceries and pick up dinner from somewhere because she can't even bring herself to cook, something she LOVES to do. She has to force herself to do her favourite thing now. She tells me not to worry about her but I'm just full of worry, so I do.

I can't focus on anything I need to get done to stay here and get myself to working status and get my healthcare taken care of. I don't think about hardly anything else, and I don't go anywhere or do anything hardly at all, and if I do it's never by myself because I go into panic mode a lot of times when I leave the apartment on my own. I don't know why it's so bad lately. I'm scared to be alone because it's when I find out the worst news. I was alone when I found out about my dad's accident; I don't remember much of that day because as soon as I found out, I took valium to calm me down and I guess I just kept taking it (at the time my dad was put into a coma because he was so bad that if he actually were awake, there wouldn't have been anything they could've done for his pain, and they did expect him to die). I was in a valium-induced stupor for a few days, none of which I remember other than crying.


Ugh, sorry. This was a novel. I just needed to get it out.
If you read all this, then .
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:57 AM
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(((((((big hugs)))))))

Sometimes, you just need to let it all out and have a good cry. I'm so sorry you have to Go through this. Don't feel bad that you don't really want to be there, that you'd rather be here. It's normal. Keeping your life as normal as Possible, will help you to get through it.

I'm rambling, cause really, there's not much I can say to make it better. I'm not terribly far from you, if you need somebody to talk to or call, or even just somebody to babble to, I'm around and have no problem giving a call
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Old 02-27-2012, 11:02 AM
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First and foremost: your dad loves you and fathers who love their daughters want them to be happy and free and independent, not feeling guilty for not giving up their lives to take care of parents.

Second: the VA hospital may have access to a transportation source for him.

Third: get rid of the valium. All it does is postpone having to deal with everything and sap your strength. Don't allow yourself to get caught in that spiral.

Fourth: (((((((HUGS)))))))) for a really tough, heart wrenching time.
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Old 02-27-2012, 01:05 PM
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Thanks for the offer Jess, I may take you up on it!
Thanks for the advice Renee. I don't take valium anymore to deal with that (only rarely for my jaw anymore). It scared me that I allowed myself to dive into it the way I did. Ryan said I just zombied out and stared at things mostly, when I wasn't waiting for the phone to ring.

He's going to call me back a bit later when he's feeling better, he said. I hope by then he'll have gone to the hospital. He has a cold right now so it's just making him feel that much worse.

Bleh. So many bad things had to happen right after I left. It's too much stress. I swear my hair falls out the way it does because I worry too much, and I've found a few grays too. Boo.
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Old 02-27-2012, 03:27 PM
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((HUGS))--sometimes it all piles up and we dont' know which end is up. I hope your Dad can find happy moments--and that you can be a part of them, even if you are not physically there with him.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:16 AM
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((((((HUGS)))))) I hope you and your dad are feeling better today.
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Old 02-28-2012, 07:24 AM
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That really really sucks. Your poor dad. And mom, and step dad...
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:20 PM
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Thanks everyone. I feel much better today.

He didn't call me back yesterday, and I feel like I should wait a few days until he's hopefully feeling a bit better. He didn't seem much like he wanted to talk yesterday.

I didn't ask him about it, but he was seeing a woman who takes care of handicapped people for a living. They wanted to live together and she could take care of him, but she could also be a live-in caregiver and be paid for it IF they weren't dating. She recently set her status on facebook to single so I don't know if they broke up or if she's trying to sneak by her employer or something. If he doesn't bring it up next time, I might just ask.

I WISH he would, or could, get a service dog. He says it won't help him, but if he could have something to help him pick up things he's dropped, and something to lean on when he falls and needs to get up, and just someone there for companionship, I think he'd feel so much better. He LOVES Labs, too. Before the accident, he was talking about how much he wanted another yellow Lab to take to the water with him. He says it wouldn't help him though, but I think he just isn't aware of how much it could do for him or how well they're trained (he said at one point he didn't want a dog to jump on him). But there would be the problem of feeding and care costs, too.
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Old 02-28-2012, 12:26 PM
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(((((((( HUGS )))))))))))) Chin up!!
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Old 02-28-2012, 08:31 PM
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A service dog could help him a great deal! Not too long ago there was a news story about a veteran who has a service dog (pitbull) who does those sorts of things for him. It was in Iowa, I believe. The town wouldn't let him have the dog because it was a pitbull. The judge told them to essentially stuff it

I think there's a thread about it in the dog articles. You might share it with your dad and let him see how much a service dog COULD do for him.
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In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves. ~Buddha

Stupid is the most notoriously incurable and contagious disease known to mankind. If you find yourself in close proximity to someone infected with stupid, walk away as soon as said infection is noted.


There are few things more nauseating than pure obedience. ~ Kvothe

***8206;"silence is the language of god, all else is poor translation."
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